PUN  BOOK 


LIBRARY 

UNIVERSWVOir 


SAN  DIEQO 


THE  NEW  PUN  BOOK 


COLLECTED,  EDITED  AND  ARRANGED  FROM 
THE    NOTES    OF    TWO    LEARNED    PUNDITS 


Who  thought  they  never  saw  the  Punjab  delighted  in 
all  pungencies  of  speech.    Scholarly  men  who  rejoice 
in  punctiliousness  in  their  language,  contrive  to 
improve  its  flavor  and  precision  by  exercise  in 
these  unexpected  juxtapositions.      Thus,  as 
with  our  Pundit's  famous  countryman  Mr. 
Jaberjee,  though  they    use   the    purest 
language,  they  can   instantly  express 
every  shade  of  thought  with  grace 
and  completeness  without  resort- 
ing to  slang :  —that  ready  cloak 
wherewith   puny  minds  strive 
to     cover     their    vulgarity 
and      lack     of      culture. 


BY  T.  B.  AND  T.  C. 


New  York 

FRANK  VERNON  &  CO., 

103  Park  Avenue 


COPYRIGHT  1906 
By  CAREY-STAFFORD  CO. 


The   New   Pun    Book 


"He's  a  professional  grafter/' 

"Who?" 

"The  nurseryman." 

"You  know  Fatty  Schultz  the  butcher. 
What  do  you  suppose  he  weighs?" 
"I  don't  know,  what  does  he  weigh?" 
"Meat." 


"I  saw  a  sign  in  a  hardware  store  to- 
day 'Cast  iron  sinks.'  As  though  every- 
one wasn't  wise  to  that." 


"How  are  you  to-day?" 
"Oh,  I  can't  kick." 
"Thought  you  were  ill." 
"I  am — I  have  the  gout." 


"Let  me  see,"  said  the  minister,  who 
was  filling  out  the  marriage  certificate 
and  had  forgotten  the  date,  "this  is  the 
fifth,  is  it  not?" 

"No,  sir !"  said  the  bride,  with  some  in- 
dignation, "this  is  only  my  third!" 


Wyt 


She — I  had  a  $5  bill  in  this  dictionary 

yesterday  and  I  can't  find  it  anywhere. 

He — Did  you  look  among  the  Vaj  dear  ? 

"Have  you  ever  met  my  sister,  Louisa  ?" 
"Yes.  She's  rather  stout,  isn't  she?" 
"I  have  another  at  home — Lena." 

"Why  do  you  call  that  colored  man  a 
blackmailer." 

"Because  he  is  employed  at  the  post- 
office.'  And  that  ain't  the  worst  of  it." 

"No?" 

"No,  sir;  his  wife  takes  hush  money." 

"You  don't  say  so!" 

"I  do.     She's  a  child  nurse." 


The  street  car  lurched,  she  fell  ker- 

flump ! 

But  got  up  with  a  happy  smile, 
And  to  the  young  man  said:  "Please, 

sir, 
How  many  laps  are  to  the  mile?" 


I  hear  they  are  trying  to  close  up  the 
gambling  establishments  in  New  York. 
Why  didn't  they  close  up  Adam?  He 
was  the  first  gambler.  Didn't  he  start 
the  races? 


"Gee,  I  just  made  a  bad  break/'  mur- 
mured the  chef,  as  he  threw  away  some 
rotten  eggs. 

"This  is  our  latest  novelty,"  said  the 
manufacturer,  proudly.  "Good  work, 
isn't  it?" 

"Not  bad,"  replied  the  visitor,  "but 
you  can't  hold  a  candle  to  the  goods  we 
make." 

"Oh!  are  you  in  this  line,  too?" 

"No.     We  make  gunpowder." 

You  ought  to  sleep  well, 
You  lie  so  easily ! 

"My  girl's  'father  is  an  undertaker. 
He  has  invented  an  automobile  hearse. 
Folks  are  just  dying  to  ride  in  it." 

"An  Irishman  comes  to  this  country, 
remains  here  ten  years,  and  goes  back  to 
Ireland  and  dies.    What  is  he?" 
"Why,  an  Irishman,  of  course." 
"No,  you're  wrong;  he  is  a  corpse." 

He — Why  has  he  put  her  picture  in  his 
watch? 

She — Because  h«  thinka  she  will  love 
him  in  time. 


"I  saw  some  delicious  apples  growing 
on  a  tree  this  morning.    I  couldn't  reach 
them,  and  asked  the  lady  of  the  house  if 
she  would  let  me  take  a  step-ladder. 
"Did  she  give  it  to  you?" 
"No;  but  she  gave  me  a  stare." 

"My  sister  had  a  fright  yesterday. 
She  had  a  black  spider  run  up  her  arm/' 

"That's  nothing.  I  had  a  sewing 
machine  run  up  the  seam  of  my  trousers." 

Attorney  for  the  Defense — Have  you 
ever  been  cross-examined  before? 

The  Witness — Have  I.  I'm  a  married 
man. — Life. 


—  I  met  a  deaf  and  dumb  man  to-day 
who  had  every  joint  of  his  fingers  broken. 

—  That  is  terrible,  how  did  it  happen? 

—  Well,  he  used  to  crack  jokes  on  his 
fingers. 


"I'm  nearly  starved.  Just  got  in 
from  a  three-hour  trip  on  the  New  York 
Central. 

"But  couldn't  you  get  anything  to  eat 
on  the  train?" 

"Nope!     It  was  a  'fast*  train." 


"What  do  you  think  of  the  statement 
that  there  are  three  hundred  haunted 
houses  in  New  .York?"  asked  Mr. 
Knickerbocker. 

"Oh,"  replied  Jones,  "that  only  ghost 
to  show  how  plentiful  spirits  are  here." 

"I  saw  a  big  rat  in  my  cook-stove  and 
when  I  went  for  my  revolver  he  ran 
out." 

"Did  you  shoot  him?" 

"No.    He  was  out  of  my  range." 

GREENE — "These  wakes  of  yours  are 
pretty  boisterous  affairs  sometimes." 

FINNEGAN — "Av  coarse!  Sure,  we 
hav*  f  make  a  great  noise  f  wake  the 
dead."  

"I  SEE  Dorkins  has  got  all  of  his  seven 
daughters  married  off." 

"Yes,  but  he  took  advantage  of  his 
official  position  to  effect  it." 

"How  was  that?" 

"Why,  he  is  chairman  of  the  board  of 
public  works  and  he  advertised  for  pro- 
posals." 

"Are  your  folks  well  to  do?" 
"No.    They're  hard  to  do." 


8 tEfre  fftm  ffioolu 

"If  you  should  die,  what  would  you 
do  with  your  body?" 

"I  don't  know." 

"I'd  sell  mine  to  a  medical  student." 

"Then  you'd  be  giving  yourself  dead 
away." 


"I  was  at  the  track  to-day,  Percy,  and 
there  was  a  horse  down  there  with  the 
itch.  He  came  up  to  the  post,  and  they 
scratched  him" 


HE — "Yes,  she  is  living  under  an  as- 
sumed name." 

SHE— "Horrible !    What  is  it?" 
HE — "The  one   sh?   assumed   immedi- 
ately after  her  husband  married  her!" 


BIGGS — "I  hear  the  jail  was  afire  this 
morning  ?" 
BAGGS — "Naw;  it  was  only  a  sell." 

Love  they  say  is  blind.  Well:  if  so 
marriage  must  be  an  eye-opener. 

"It  doesn't  do  any  good  to  scold  the 
janitor  about  our  cold  rooms." 

"Yes,  it  does.  I  get  all  warmed  up 
when  I  talk  to  him." 


*This  liver  is  awful,  Maud,"  said  Mr. 
Newwed. 

"I'm  very  sorry/'  returned  the  bride, 
"I'll  tell  the  cook  to  speak  to  the  livery- 
man about  it." 


"Who  was  the  first  one  that  came 
from  the  ark  when  it  landed." 

"Noah." 

"You  are  wrong.  Don't  the  good  book 
tell  us  that  Noah  came  forth?  So  there 
must  have  been  three  ahead  of  him." 


EAILWAT  CLERK — Another  accident  on 
the  road  to-day,  sir. 

MANAGER — Indeed.     What  now? 

CLERK — Man  dislocated  his  neck  try- 
ing to  read  our  new  time  table. 


"I  got  your  fare,  didn't  I?"  asked  the 
conductor. 

"I  believe  not,"  the  facetious  passenger 
replied.  "I  think  I  saw  you  ring  it  up." 

ISAACS — Undt  suppose  dey  did  send  us 
a  message  from  Mars,  how  could  dey  tell 
if  we  got  it? 

COHEN — Veil,  dey  mighd  send  it  gol- 
lect  undt  see  if  ve  paid  for  it. 


10          <Tfre  ffun  jBoolu 

HE — I'll  go  to-morrow  and  buy  a  dia- 
mond engagement  ring. 

SHE — Now,  George,  for  the  first  time 
your  talk  has  the  true  ring  in  it. 

"I  am  told,"  said  she,  saucily,  "that 
though  you  are  a  military  man,  you  are 
afraid  of  powder." 

"To  prove  that  the  assertion  is  calum- 
nious," replied  he,  "I  have  only  to  do 
this." 

Whereupon  he  lightly  kissed  her  on 
the  cheek,  and  his  lips  showed  that  he 
was  not. 


MRS.  PENDERGAST  (in  disgust) — You 
call  these  shades  alike!  Is  there  any- 
thing you  can  match? 

MR.  PENDERGAST — Yes.     Pennies. 


Pressed  for  work — cider. 

Never  out  of  print — the  calico  counter. 


"Is  this  a  fire  insurance  office?" 
"Yes,  sir;  can  we  write  you  some  in- 
surance ?" 

"Perhaps  you  can.  You  see,  my  em- 
ployer threatens  to  fire  me  next  Satur- 
day, and  I'd  like  some  protection." 


fton  jfoofc, 


"We  should  never  complain,  whatever 
may  befall  us,"  said  the  minister.  "The 
moment  we  grow  dissatisfied  we  become 
unhappy." 

"Do  you  really  think  so?"  she  sighed. 

"Yes,"  returned  the  good  man;  "the 
first  woman  who  complained  of  her  Lot, 
was  turned  into  a  pillar  of  salt." 

"Tommy,"  said  mamma,  tearfully,  "it 
gives  me  as  much  pain  as  it  does  you  to 
punish  you." 

TOMMY  (also  tearfully)  —  Mebbe  it 
does,  but  not  in  the  same  place. 

"I'll    never    ask    another    woman    to 
marry  me  as  long  as  I  live  !" 
"Kef  used  again?" 
"No;  accepted." 

A  wag  who  thought  to  have  a  joke  at 
the  expense  of  an  Irish  provision  dealer 
said,  "Can  you  supply  me  with  a  yard  of 
pork?" 

"Pat,"  said  the  dealer  to  his  assistant, 
"give  this  gentleman  three  pig's  feet." 


"They  say  corporations  have  no  soul." 
"How  about  the  Shoe  Trust." 


12          SEfre  ffim 


"Did  your  sweetheart  receive  you 
warmly  last  night?"  asked  one  Pitts- 
burg  young  man  of  another. 

"No,  but  her  father  did." 

"How  was  that?" 

"He  fired  me." 


"Permit  me,  then,  to  die  at  your  feet !" 
he  cried  desperately. 

She  shivered. 

"I  see  no  objection  to  that,"  she  an- 
swered. "All  papa  said  was  that  you 
mustn't  hang  around  here. 


Don't  doubt  the  veteran  who  tells  you 
he  was  always  where  the  bullets  were 
thickest;  perhaps  he  was  hiding  under 
the  ammunition  wagon. 

ME.  BIXBY — Have  you  noticed  how 
much  better  I  rest  after  a  day's  fishing? 

MRS.  BIXBY — No;  but  I  have  noticed 
how  much  easier  you  lie  after  a  day's 
fishing  than  upon  other  days. 


"Nature  never  allows  anything  to  run 
to  waist." 

"Humph!  You've  never  seen  a  Ver- 
mont girl  of  forty." 


ffun  goofr.  13 


"Whafs  the  matter  here?" 
"Man  broke  his  neck." 
"What  story  did  he  fall  from?" 
"Didn't  fall  —  tried  to  see  the  top  of 
the  building." 


According  to  a  florist's  magazine 
"Jacks  are  becoming  cheap."  This  may 
be  true,  but  we  have  known  men  who 
would  have  been  willing  to  pay  $10  for 
one  to  put  with  the  two  already  in  their 
hands. 


JOHNNY — What  makes  you  look  so 
tired? 

TOMMY — My  step-mother  is  sick  end 
now  I'll  get  licked  before  every  meal. 
The  doctor  says  she  must  take  exercise 
on  an  empty  stomach. 


BROWN — "Peckhen  has  arrived  safe. 
I  just  received  a  cablegram  from  him." 

"SMITH — "Did  he  have  a  rough  voy- 
age?" 

BROWN — "No;  his  wife  didn't  go." 


"Oh,  live  and  let  live,  my  man." 
"Yes,  I'd  look  well,  wouldn't  I?    I'm 
a  butcher." 


14  tEfte  ffitm  JBoofc. 

SMITH — I  notice  that  Kobinson  haa  an 
article  in  the  paper  this  morning. 

JONES — Indeed!  I  didn't  see  it. 
What  was  it? 

SMITH — His  spring  overcoat.  He  was 
taking  it  to  the  tailor  to  be  pressed  and 
cleaned. 

When  Lot  found  his  wife  transformed 
into  a  pillar  of  salt,  he  was  wise  enough 
to  let  it  go  at  that  and  not  take  a  fresh 
one. 


SOLOMAN  SOLOMAN — Our  frent  Cohen 
must  pe  goio'  f  haf  a  fire. 

ISAAC  ISAACS — Vy? 

SOLOMAN  SOLOMAN — Veil,  he  took  oud 
an  inshoorance  bolicy  yeste'day. 

"A  telephone  girl  always  reminds  me 
of  a  pictured  saint." 

"Why?" 

"There  is  a  continual  *hello'  around 
her  head." 


A  husband  and  wife  are  considered 
one,  but  it  is  useless  to  try  to  work  that 
gag  on  the  landlord  when  he  presents, 
the  board  bill. 


ffim  goofe.          F15 


"You  haven't  a  cent,  and  yet  wish  to 
marry  Miss  Bilyan.  Don't  you  expect 
her  father  to  kick  you  out?" 

"Oh,  no  I  intend  to  go  before  the  foot- 
lights/' 

YOUNG  M.  D.  —  That  jig  is  up. 
OLD  M.  D.  —  What  do  you  mean? 
YOUNG  M.  D.—  That  fellow  with  St. 
Vitus's  dance  died  this  morning. 


"Do  you  think  that  as  a  rule  people 
who  attend  theaters  are  superstitious?" 

"Do  I  think  so?  I  know  it.  I  have 
seen  people  sit  for  an  hour  waiting  for  a 
ghost  to  walk." 

"For  that  matter  the  actors  them- 
selves often  wait  longer  than  that." 


"Here's  an  account  of  a  hen  which 
layed  three  eggs  at  once,  and  then  died," 
remarked  Mrs.  Sumway. 

"From  over-eggsertion,  probably," 
commented  her  husband. 


"What  is  the  best  way  to  raise  cab- 
bage?" 
"With  a  knife  and  fork." 


16  £fje  ffutr  ffioofe. 

"Why  is   Miss   B wearing  black?" 

"She  is  in  mourning  for  her  husband." 
"Why,  she  never  had  a  husband!" 
"No,  that  is  why  she  mourns." 


"Dearest,"  she  murmured,  "I'm  so 
afraid  you'll  change." 

"Darling,"  he  answered,  "you'll  never 
find  any  change  about  me." 

"Whafs  the  matter  here?"  asked  a 
stranger  of  a  small  boy,  as  he  noticed  a 
large  wedding  party  coming  out  of  a 
church  on  Fifth  avenue. 

"Nawthin'  but  the  tied  goin'  out." 


Oh,  the  sadness  of  her  sadness  when  she's 

sad! 
Oh,  the  gladness  of  her  gladness  whenj 

she's  glad! 

But  the  sadness  of  her  sadness, 
And  the  gladness  of  her  gladness, 
Are  nothing  to  her  madness  when  she's 
mad! 

"Is  it  raining,  girls?" 

"No,"  broke  in  Cumso;   "only  cats  and 


Jltm  Poofc.  17 


GUEST  —  What  have  you  got? 

WAITER  —  I've  got  liver,  calf  B  brains, 
pig's  feet  — 

GUEST  —  Hold  up  there!  I  don't  want 
a  description  of  your  physical  peculiari- 
ties. What  have  you  got  to  eat  is  what 
I  want  to  know. 


STRANGER — "Boy,  can  you  direct  me 
to  the  bank?" 

BOY — "I  kin  for  a  quarter." 

STRANGER — "A  quarter!  Isn't  that 
high  pay?" 

BOY — "Yes,  sir;  but  ifs  bank  directors 
what  gits  high  pay,  you  see,  sir!" 

"Ifs  very  puzzling,"  said  a  worried 
looking  woman  to  one  of  her  neighbors. 

"What's  that?" 

"I  can't  tell  whether  Willie  is  cor- 
rupting the  parrot  or  whether  the  parrot 
is  corrupting  Willie." 


PLAYWRIGHT — "There  is  a  great  cli- 
max in  the  last  act.  Just  as  two  burg- 
lars climb  in  the  kitchen  window  the 
clock  strikes  one;  then " 

MANAGER  CONN — f'Be  more  explicit. 
Which  one  did  the  clock  strike?" 


8          &fte  ffitm 


"I   sent   a   dollar  last  week"   said   the 
Good  thing,   "in  answer  to  that  adver- 
tisement offering  a  method  of  saving  one- 
half  my  gas  bills." 
"And  you  got  -  " 
"A  printed  slip  directing  me  to  paste 
them  in  a  scrap-book." 


"Did  any  of  you  ever  see  an  elephant's 
skin?"  inquired  a  teacher  of  a  class  of 
youths. 

"I  have,"  exclaimed  one. 

"Where?"  asked  the  teacher. 

"On  the  elephant,"  replied  the  boy. 

"Curious,  isn't  it?" 

"What?" 

"A  man's  handwriting  is  never  so  bad 
that  his  name  can't  be  read  when  signed 
to  a  check." 


'That  cook  would  make  a  good  base- 
ball player." 

"Why  so?" 

"A  fly  got  into  the  batter  when  she  was 
serving  the  griddles,  and  tKe  way  she 
caught  that  fly  from  the  batter  was  a 
sight  to  rush  an  umpire  into  an  early 
grave." 


Igfte  $tm  IBoofe. [9 

When  you  see  a  young  man  cleaning  a 
girl's  bicycle,  they  are  engaged;  but 
when  you  see  the  operation  reversed,  they 
are  married. 


SHE  (approvingly) — You  won  her 
hand,  then? 

HE  (rather  glumly) — Humph — I  pre- 
sume so.  I'm  under  her  thumb. 


"What  is  the  difference  between  the 
admission  to  a  dime  museum  and  the 
admission  to  Sing  Sing?" 

"Don't  know.    What?" 

"One  is  ten  cents  and  the  other  is 
sentence." 


"A  man  at  the  hotel   wanted  to  bet 
that  Corbett  would  knock  out  Jeffries." 
"Who  took  him  up?" 
"The  elevator  boy,  I  think." 


Why  is  a  railroad  train  like  a  bedbug? 
It  runs  over  the  sleepers. 


CALLER — Wonder  if  I  can  see  your 

mother,  little  boy?  Is  she  engaged? 

LITTLB  BOY— Engaged  ?  Whatcher 
givin*  us?  She's  married. 


20 3Efte  |lun  ffioofc. 

"I  must  admit/'  said  the  mannish 
girl,  "that  I'm  very  fond  of  men's 
clothes.  You  don't  like  them,  do  you?" 

"Yes.  I  do,"  replied  the  girly  girl, 
frankly,  "when  there's  a  man  in  them." 

When  a  woman  finds  her  dress  does 
not  match  her  complexion,  it  is  always 
easy  enough  to  change  her  complexion. 


"My  friend,"  said  the  long-coated  old 
man,  solemnly,  "have  you  made  prepara- 
tion for  the  day  of  judgment?" 

"Sir,"  replied  the  young  man,  "that's 
how  I  make  my  living." 

"Young  man!" 

"I'm  employed  in  the  sheriff's  office." 

"George,  you  look  exhausted,"  she 
said  to  him  as  he  was  putting  on  his  hat 
and  coat. 

"Yes,"  he  answered,  glancing  toward? 
his  daughter  at  the  piano.  "I'm  played 
out." 


Of  the  heroine  in  one  of  the  latest  sen- 
sational novels  it  is  said:  "Her  eyes 
chained  him  to  the  spit."  She  must  have 
been  links-eyed. 


ffun  Itoofe.  21 


"Do  I  bore  you?"  asked  the  mosquito. 
politely,  as  he  sunk  a  half  -inch  shaft  into 
the  man's  leg. 

"Not  at  all,"  replied  the  man,  squash- 
ing him  with  a  book.  "How  do  I  strike 
you?" 

"How  did  that  fight  between  the 
bridge  tenders  end?" 

"It  was  fought  to  a  draw  —  and  they 
both  fell  in!" 


What  kind  of  essence  does  a  young  man 
like  when  he  pops  the  question?  Ac- 
quiescence. 


MASHINOTON — What's  the  matter  with 
your  clock?  It's  stopped. 

TAILOR — I  never  wind  it  up.  I  use  it 
as  a  motto. 

"What  do  you  mean?" 

"No  tick  here." 


The  hawk  was  dozing.  "You  look," 
said  the  jay,  from  a  safe  distance,  "as  if 
you  were  full." 

"Well,"  the  hawk  admitted,  "I  have 
just  been  having  a  little  lark  that  was  a 
bird." 


22          tEfre  $tm  ffoofe. 

"You  ought  to  be  very  proud  of  your 
wife.     She  is  a  brilliant  talker." 
"You're  right  there." 
"Why,  I  could  listen  to  her  all  night." 
"I  have  to." 


"I  once  knew  a  man  who,  with  the  aid 
of  a  microscope,  made  a  harness  for  a 
flea." 

"Humph!"  replied  the  other,  "that's 
nothing.  I  saw  that  same  flea  harnessed." 


"You  want  a  divorce  from  your  wife, 
do  you?" 

"Yes,  sir,  I  do." 

"What  grounds?" 

"Incompatability.  She  and  the"  cook 
are  quarreling  continually." 


"How  about  the  lazy  man  who  hurt 
his  eye  looking  for  work?" 

"That's  nothing.  How  about  the  in- 
dustrious safe  breaker  doing  time  for 
making  money?" 

Don't  take  a  bull  by  tfie  horns;  take 
him  by  the  tail,  then  you  can  let  go  with- 
out getting  some  one  to  help  you. 


fftm  ffoofc.  23 


<rWomen,  my  boy,"  said  a  parent  to  his 
son,  "are  a  delusion  and  a  snare."  "It 
is  queer,"  murmured  the  boy,  "people 
will  hug  a  delusion."  And  while  the  old 
man  looked  queerly  at  him,  the  young 
man  hunted  up  his  roller-skates  and 
went  out  to  be  snared. 


"Would  you,"  said  the  reporter  who 
gets  novel  interviews,  "tell  me  what  book 
helped  you  most  in  life?" 

After  a  thoughtful  pause,  the  great 
man  answered:  "My  bank-book." 

"You  were  thrown  out?"  remarked 
the  ash  barrel.  "That's  what  you  get  for 
being  crooked." 

"The  crookedness  is  not  my  fault," 
said  the  nail.  I  was  driven  to  it  by  a 
woman." 


"What   relation   is   a   door-step   to    a 
door-mat  ?" 

"What  relation?" 
"A  step-farther." 


GUIDE — This  is  a  dogwood  tree. 
STRANGER — How  can  you  tell? 
GUIDE — By  its  bark. 


24  gEfre  j|un  ffiook. 

Some  of  us  have  more  ups  and  downs 
in  this  world  than  others,  but  when  we 
get  to  the  cemetery,  we  will  all  be  on  the 
dead  level.  

MRS.  POWELL — "I  have  such  an  indul- 
gent husband!" 

MRS.  CAMERON  (spitefully) — "Yes,  so 
Justin  tells  me,  but  he  sometimes  in- 
dulges too  much,  doesn't  he?" 


"They  caught  the  burglars  that  robbed 
the  hotel  last  night." 

"How?" 

"They  jumped  on  the  scales  and  gave 
themselves  a  weigh." 

"You  own  your  own  house,  don't  you  ?" 
"I  used  to." 
"Have  you  sold  it?" 
"No,  I  haven't  sold  it." 
"Then  how  is  it  you  don't  own  it?" 
"Well,  you  see,  we  have  company  most 
of  the  time." 

"Mike,  d'  I  ever  tell  ye  the  story  about 

the  dirty  window?" 
"You  did  not.    Tell  me  about  it." 
"No   use — you   couldn't    see    through 

it." 


ffun  goofL  25 


A  lady  noticed  a  boy  sprinkling  salt 
on  the  sidewalk  to  take  off  the  ice,  and 
remarked  to  a  friend,  pointing  to  the 
salt: 

"Now,  thaf  s  true  benevolence." 
"No,  it  ain't,"  said  the  boy,  somewhat 
indignant,  "it's  salt." 

TEACHER  —  Thomas,  can  you  tell  me 
which  battle  Nelson  was  killed  in? 

TOMMY  (after  a  moment's  reflec- 
tion) —  I  think  it  was  his  last. 

JOHNNIE  —  "Ya-as,  I've  just  come  back 
from  Ireland  —  County  Cork.  Ever  been 
to  Cork?" 

SOUBRETTE  —  "No  —  but  I've  seen  a 
good  many  drawings  of  it." 

"What  is  love?" 
"A  fresh  egg." 
"Marriage?" 
"Hard  boiled  eggs." 
"Divorce?" 
"Scrambled  eggs." 

How  by  the  statesman  insincere 

Man's  weary  soul  is  vexed. 
He'll  shake  your  hand  one  minute  and 

He'll  pull  your  leg  the  next  I 


26  tEfre  ffiun  goofr, 

"Hush,  not  so  loud!     We're  having  a 

conference  of  the  powers." 
"Eh!     Who  is  conf erring ?" 
"My  wife,  my  mother-in-law  and  the 

cook." 


"I  saw  De  Castro,  the  magician,  make 
a  $20  gold  piece  disappear  in  three  min- 
utes." "That's  nothing.  You  ought  to 
see  my  wife  with  a  $20  bill  at  a  church 
bazaar." 


An  art-school  student  recently  painted 
the  picture  of  a  dog  under  a  tree  so  life- 
like that  is  was  impossible  to  distinguish 
the  bark  of  the  tree  from  that  of  the  dog. 


LADY — Why  do  you  remove  your  sword, 
Lieutenant  ? 

GALLANT  OFFICER — My  lovely  mias, 
the  fire  from  those  eyes  would  compel 
the  bravest  soldier  to  surrender  his  arms. 


SHE — "You  used  to  call  me  the  light 
of  your  life." 

HE — "Ah,  but  I  had  no  idea  then  how 
much  it  would  cost  to  keep  it  burning." 


ZEfre  gun  ffoolu  27 

MOSES — "How  did    you;    make    your 

money,  Ike?" 

IKE — "By  horse-razing." 

MOSES— "Vatt,  not  bedding?" 

IKE — "Naw — I   started    a    pawnshop 

just  by  the  oudside  of  de  razetrack  for 

de  peoble  who  vanted  to  get  home  ven  de 

razes  was  over." 


HE — Don't  you  think  Miss  Plainly  is 
the  very  image  of  her  mother  ? 

SHE — Yes,  indeed;  the  resemblance  is 
something  awful. 

— "I  want  to  be  an  angel." 

— "Just  wait  till  you've  backed  one  or 
two  'stars/  and  you'll  change  that  tune 
my  boy." 

Telephone  operators  are  always  bound 
to  have  the  last  word;  thafs  why  females 
are  always  employed  in  that  capacity. 

"What  are  you  going  to  do  with  your 
boy?" 

"I  don't  know;  I'm  afraid  he  is  a  bad 
egg." 

"In  that  case  he  might  do  for  an 
actor." 


28          gEfre  ffim  jtoofe. 

BIGGS — That  butcher  is  an  awkward 
fellow. 

BOGGS — Yes,  I  notice  his  hands  are  al- 
ways in  his  weigh. 


"Is  the  proprietor  in?"  asked  the  visi- 
tor to  the  planing  mill.  "I  want  to  order 
some  doors." 

"He's  in,"  replied  the  smart  office  boy, 
"but  I  think  he's  out  o'  doors." 


"Did  the  minister  say  anything  com- 
forting ?"  asked  the  neighbor  of  the  widow 
recently  bereaved. 

"Indeed,  he  didn't,"  was  the  quick  re- 
ply. "He  said  my  husband  was  better 
off." 

"What  kind  of  hen  lays  the  longest?" 

"What  kind?" 

"A  dead  hen." 

CITTMAN — Do  they  keep  a  servant 
girl? 

SUBBUBS — 0 !  certainly  not.  But  as 
soon  as  one  leaves  they  engage  another. — 
Philadelphia  Press. 

If  a  woman  would  change  her  sex, 
what  would  her  religion  be?  She  would 
he  a  he-then,  of  course. 


tEfte  jgun  goofe.  29 

"What  in  the  world  shall  I  do  with  the 
baby,  John?  She's  crying  for  the  moon." 

"Thaf  s  nothing.  Wait  till  she's  eigh- 
teen and  she'll  want  the  earth." 


"The  man  who  was  run  over  by  the  cars 
the  other  day,  is  now  out  of  danger." 
"Thaf  s  good." 
"He  died  this  morning." 

"The  death  of  her  husband  must  have 
been  a  dreadful  blow  to  Mrs.  Musicale." 

"It  was,  indeed." 

"I  suppose  she  has  given  up  her  piano 
playing  entirely." 

"No;  she  still  plays;  but  only  on  the 
black  keys." 

Poor  Lofs  wife  turned  to  salt,  alas! 

Her  fate  was  most  unkind. 
No  doubt  she  only  wished  to  see 

How  hung  her  skirt  behind. 


SMITH — There  is  something  that  will 
never  be  boycotted  by  the  fair  sex  as  long 
as  time  lasts. 

JONES— What's  that? 

SMITH — The  Easter  bonnet. 


30          (Efre  ffitn  jtofe. 

"In  one  way  the  clock  makers  are  inde- 
pendent of  labor  troubles." 

"That's  very  fortunate,  isn't  it,"  said 
his  wife  innocently,  "but  how?" 

"Simply  because  in  clock  works  the 
hands  never  strike." 


"There  is  a  man  who  never  knew  such; 
a  thing  as  fear." 

"Ah,  had  a  military  training,  I  sup- 
pose." 

"No;  his  nerve  is  inherited.  Hia 
father  and  Ms  grandfather  were  both 
janitors." 

"What  is  the  plural  of  man,  Johnny?" 
asked  the  teacher  of  a  small  pupil. 

"Men,"  answered  Johnny. 

"Correct,"  said  the  teacher.  "And! 
what  is  the  plural  of  child?" 

"Twins,"  was  the  unexpected  answer. 

FIRST  COMEDIAN — "Did  you  score  a 
hit  with  your  new  specialty?" 

SECOND  COMEDIAN — "Did  I?  Why, 
the  audience  gazed  in  open-mouthed  won- 
der before  I  was  half  through." 

FIRST  COMEDIAN — "Wonderful!  It  is 
seldom  that  an  entire  audience  yawns  at 
once." 


ffim  goolu          31 


If  I  might  hold  that  hand  again 

Clasped  lovingly  in  mine, 
I'd  little  care  what  others  sought  — 

That  hand  I  held,  lang  syne! 

That  hand!    Oh,  warm  it  was  and  soft! 

Soft?    Ne'er  was  so  soft  a  thing! 
Ah,  me!     I'll  hold  it  ne'er  again  — 

Ace,  ten,  knave,  queen  and  king! 


WIFE— "Got  a  dollar?" 

HUSBAND — "Where's  the  last  'dollar  1 
gave  you?" 

"Gone." 

"I  thought  I  told  you  to  make  it  go 
as  far  as  you  could." 

"I  did." 

"Doesn't  look  like  it." 

"Well,  I  did;  I  sent  it  to  the  Fiji  Is- 
land heathen." 

Some  one  threw  a  head  of  cahbage  at 
an  Irish  orator  while  he  was  making  a 
speech  once.  He  paused  a  second,  and 
said:  "Gentlemen,  I  only  asked  for  your 
ears,  I  don't  care  for  your  heads  1"  He 
was  not  bothered  any  more  during  the 
remainder  of  hie  speech. 


32         Efre  fftm 


"Why  are  you  sad,  Bill?" 
"Oh,  I  am  troubled  with  dyspepsia." 
"How  can  that  be?" 
"I  got  licked  at  school  'cause  I  couldn't 
spell  it." 

MRS.  LIMBEECHIN  —  I  was  so  mad  last 
night  I  couldn't  speak. 

MR.L.  —  And  I  was  away!  Just  my 
luck! 

—"That  Jersey  murderer  was  clever 
to  get  off  as  he  did,  wasn't  he?" 

—  "What  was  his  plea  —  insanity  ?" 

—  "No,  malaria." 


"I've  been  married  five  years,  and  Fve 
got  a  bushel  of  children." 

"How's  that?" 

"My  name  is  Peck.  I've  got  four  chil- 
dren. Don't  four  pecks  make  a  bushel?" 


The  weary  desert  stretched  for  miles. 
Stretched  for  sheer  weariness.  Not  a  drop 
of  water  was  in  sight. 

Then  it  was  that  the  traveler  had  an  in- 
spiration. 

He  wrung  his  hands. 


ffun  ffioofc  33 


"Corbett  and  Fitzsimmoni  will  never 
fight  again." 

"Why?" 

"Because  they  can  not  get  gloves  to 
Fitzsimmons." 


ASKIT — What  is  a  convenient  fall  trip 
for  me  to  take? 

TELLIT — You  might  step  on  a  banana 
peel  or  try  to  balance  on  a  cake  of  soap 
at  the  head  of  the  stairs. 


"There  is  but  one  thing,"  said  the  pro- 
fessor of  medicine,  gravely,  "that  we  know 
about  death." 

"And  that  is,  sir?"  queried  the  stu- 
dent. 

"It  is  always  fatal." 


"Did  you  hear  about  Miss  Jones?" 
"No.    Whafsup?" 

"Why,  she  eloped  with  one  of  the  board- 
ers in  the  hotel." 
"Oh,  that  was  only  a  roomer!" 


"When  was  money  first  invented?" 
"I  don't  know.    When  was  it?" 
"When   the   dove  brought   the  green- 
back to  Noah." 


34  %fte  $un  jgoofe. 

"What  a  distinguished  looking  man." 
"Yes,  the  last  time  I  saw  him  he  was  on 
the  bench." 

"What,  a  judge?" 

"No;  a  substitute  ball-player." 

HE — "Didn't  you  promise  to  love,  hon- 
or and  obey  me?" 

SHE — "Heaven  'only  knows  what  I 
promised.  I  was  listening  to  hear  what 
you  promised." 

THIN  BOARDER — "I  don't  see  how  you 
manage  to  fare  so  well  at  this  boarding- 
house.  I  have  industriously  courted  the 
landlady  and  all  her  daughters,  but  I'm 
half -starved." 

FAT  BOARDER — "I  court  the  cook." 


"Why  should  a  young  man  never  raise 
his  straw  hat  to  a  lady?" 
"Because  it  is  never  felt." 


JONES — "Well,  we  had  an  addition  to 
our  family  yesterday." 

SMITH — "You  don't  say  so?  Boy  or 
girl?" 

JONES — "Neither.  If  s  my  wife's 
mother." 


flun  ffoofe.  35 


DINER  —  "Hello!  waiter,  where  is  that 
ox-tail  soup?" 

WAITER  —  "Coming,  sir  —  half  a  min- 
ute/' 

DINEB  —  "Confound  you!  How  slow 
you  are." 

WAITER  —  "Fault  of  the  soup,  sir.  Ox- 
tail is  always  behind." 


An  Irishman  was  planting  shade  trees 
when  a  passing  lady  said: 

"You're  digging  out  the  holes,  are  you, 
Mr.  Haggerty?" 

"No,  mum.  Oi'm  diggin'  out  the  dirt 
an'  lavin'  the  holes." 


Irish  foreman,  to  gang  of  men  in  a 
sewer:  "How  many  men  is  down  in  that 
hole?" 

Voice  from  the  sewer:  "Three,  sorr." 
Irish  foreman:  "Then  lave  half  of  yez 
cum  up." 


TRAMP — "Can't  you  give  a  poor  man 
somethng  to  eat?  I  got  shot  in  the  war 
and  can't  work." 

WOMAN — "Where  was  you  shot?" 

"In  the  spinal  column,  mum." 

"Go  'way!    There  was  no  such  battle." 


36  qEfre  j)un 


"I  suppose  Barnum  went  to  heaven 
when  he  died?" 

"Well,  he  certainly  had  a  good  chance. 
In  fact  he  hack  the  greatest  show  on 
earth." 


"Why  do  all  bank  cashiers  run  to  Cana- 
da?" 

"Give  it  up." 

"Because  that's  the  only  place  Toron- 
to." 


"Were  you  attached  to  the  place?" 

The  actress  laughed  bitterly. 

"I  don't  know  what  you'd  call  it,"  she 

rejoined.    "The  sheriff  had  all  my  dresses 

except  a  Mother  Hubbard." 


"If  a  guest  at  a  restaurant  ordered  a 
lobster  and  ate  it,  and  another  guest  did 
the  same,  what  would  the  latter's  tele- 
phone number  be?" 

It  would  be  "8— 1— 2." 


An  Irishman  quarreling  with  an  En- 
glishman, told  him  if  he  didn't  hold  his 
tongue  he  would  break  his  impenetrable 
head,  and  let  his  brains  out  of  his  empty 
skull." 


Cfte  39tm  goofc. 37 

PETERS — "Are  you  not  sick  of  hearing 
everybody  sing  that  popular  song?" 

WINKLE— "Not  I." 

PETERS — "Heavens!  How  can  you 
stand  it?" 

WINKLE — "I  wrote  the  song." 


I'm  the  champion  long  distance  cornet 
player.  I  entered  a  contest  once  and  I 
played  "Annie  Laurie"  for  three  weeks. 

Did  you  win? 

No,  my  opponent  played  "Stars  and 
Stripes  Forever." 

"What  have  you  here  ?"  asked  the 
fresh  young  man  of  the  waiter  at  a  first- 
class  restaurant. 

"Everything,  sir./ 

"Everything?"  sneeringly,  "Have  it 
served  at  once." 

"Hash  for  one,"  yelled  the  waiter. 


When  we  first  dined  at  a  cafe 
We  feared  they'd  drop  their  trays,  but 

later 

We  learned,  somewhat  to  our  dismay, 
It  takes — as  scores  of  men  will  say — 
A  big  "tip"  to  upset  a  waiter. 


36          W&t  fftm 


"Irish  stew,"  said  the  restaurant  guest. 
"Faith,    I    am    Irish,    tew,"    said    the 
waiter. 


Comstock  shuddered  the  other  evening 
when  a  lady  asked  him  if  he  cared  for 
undressed  kids. 


MRS.  TILFORD  OF  SOROSIS — "It  must 
have  taken  Daniel  Webster  a  long  time 
to  compile  the  dictionary;  don't  you  think 
so?" 

TILFORD — "Daniel?  You  mean  Noah, 
don't  you?" 

MRS.    TILFORD    (tartly) — "Now 
be  silly.    Noah  built  the  ark." 


"Is  your  friend  the  dentist  a  society 
chap?" 

'Well,  in  one  way.  He  attends  lots  of 
swell  gatherings." 


"Did  you  know  that  Xanthippe,  wife 
of  one  of  the  greatest  of  ancient  philos- 
ophers, was  a  great  scold  ?" 

"Certainly ;  but  just  think  what  a  great 
tease  her  husband  was." 

"A  great  tease?" 

"Yes;  Socrates." 


fftm  jfooli          39 


The  pugulist  boxes  his  man  before  he 
lays  him  out.  The  undertaker  lays  out 
his  man  before  he  boxes  him. 


An  old-maid  being  at  a  loss  for  a  pin- 
cushion, made  use  of  an  onion  for  the 
purpose.  On  the  following  morning  sEe 
found  all  the  needles  had  tears  in  their 
eyes. 


BBOWN — Up  at  Hagenbeck's  show 
there  is  a  large  bear  that  hugs  a  woman 
without  killing  her. 

JONES — Thafs  nothing.  I've  often 
seen  a  lobster  do  that. 

"Why  do  you  call  him  "Mr.  Gimlet? 
That  isn't  his  name." 
"I  know.    But  he's  such  a  bore !" 


AMERICAN — "You  have  noticed,  I  sup- 
pose, that  the  balance  of  trade,  so  far  as 
your  country  and  ours  are  concerned,  is 
still  in  our  favor?" 

ENGLISHMAN — "Nothing  of  the  sort, 
sir.  We  exchange  a  worn-out  title  for  a 
beautiful  American  heiress  almost  every 
day  in  the  year." 


40          3Efte  jton  goofe. 

HUSBAND — "I  am  going  to  buy  two 
little  children." 

WIFE — "Where  in  the  world  can  you 
buy  them  ?" 

HUSBAND — "Down  at  the  department 
store." 

WIFE — "Who  put  such  nonsense  into 
your  head?" 

HUSBAND — "I  saw  a  big  sign  in  their 
window  to-day,  'Ladies  and  gents'  un- 
dressed kids  for  a  dollar/  " 

"Your  father  has  a  strong  box  at 
home,  hasn't  he,  Willie."  said  the  teacher. 

"Yes'm,"  replied  Willie;  "the  one  he 
keeps  the  limburger  in." 


"This  wireless  telegraphy  reminds  me 
of  a  groundless  quarrel." 

"What  possible  connection  is  there  be- 
tween the  two?" 

"It's  practically  having  words  over 
nothing." 

To-morrow  never  comes,   they  say; 

But  all  such  talk  is  idle  gush, 
For  when  we  have  a  debt  to  pay 

To-morrow  gets  there  with  a  rush. 


ffim  ffooiu  41 


"Did  you  go  into  any  of  the  New  York 
restaurants  ?" 

"No.  I  got  into  what  I  thought  was 
one  and  I  heard  a  feller  call  for  Sara- 
toga chips  and  I  knew  'twas  a  gamblin'- 
den  and  got  out  quick." 


"The  word  'reviver*  spells  the  same 
backwards  and  forwards." 

It  was  the  frivolous  man  who  spoke. 

"Can  you  think  of  another?" 

The  serious  man  scowled  up  from  his 
newspaper. 

"Tut-tut!"    he   cried    contemptuously. 

And  they  rode  on  in  silence. 

I  hear  they're!  going  to  change  the 
name  of  Central  Park  to  Orchard  Park. 

Why,  how  is  that? 

Well,  there  are  so  many  pears  (pairs) 
found  under  the  trees. 

TOM — "I  understand  that  Cholly  went 
hunting  the  other  day.  What  did  he 
hit?" 

DICK— "Nothing." 

HARRY — 'fWhy,  I  heard  he  shot  him- 
self in  the  foot." 

DICK— "That's  what  I  said." 


42          tEfre  ffim  goolu 

"Two  wrongs  don't  make  a  right." 

"Yes,  they  do." 

"How  so?" 

"Why,  some  one  passed  a  counterfeit 
five-dollar  bill  on  me  to-day;  that  was 
wrong.  I  gave  it  to  my  landlady  for 
board;  that  was  wrong,  but  it  made  me 
right." 


"It's  all  foolishness  to  talk  about  any 
one  getting  the  worst  of  it  in  the  matri- 
monial game,"  declared  the  big  man  with 
a  silk  hat  and  a  loud  suit  of  clothes. 

"How's  that?" 

"Marriage  is  always  a  tie." 

An  old  lady,  being  told  that  a  certain 
lawyer  "was  lying  at  the  point  of  death," 
exclaimed:  "My  Gracious!  Won't  even, 
death  stop  that  man's  lying?" 


We  mustn't  kiss  the  baby,  we  mustn't 
kiss  the  kid, 

We  mustn't  kiss  the  dainty  miss,  so  scien- 
tists affirm; 

To  pounce  upon  and  "wrastle"  us  there 
waits  the  awful  bacillus, 

The  sempiternal,  most  infernal  omni- 
present germ. 


ffim  Ptootu          43 


"What  I  like  about  the  Irish  is  that 
they  are  so  modest  and  unassuming." 

"Holy  smoke!" 

"Fact.  When  an  Irishman  does  any- 
thing great  he  does  not  go  bragging  of 
his  ability  as  another  man  would.  He 
merely  brags  about  Ireland." 


"I  had  soup  in  a  restaurant  the  other 
day  and  found  an  oyster  in  it." 

"Great  Scott!  That  one  oyster  in  the 
soup  joke  is  old." 

"Yes,  but  this  was  tomato  soup." 


"I  was  at  a  banquet  last  night.  I  just 
had  a  lovely  time.  We  had  everything  a 
man  could  wish  for." 

"Did  you  have  any  pale  ale?" 
"No;  we  didn't  have  the  pail." 

A1  cement  maker  advertises  that  his 
cement  is  strong  enough  to  mend  the 
break  of  day. 

Eowley  Powley,  pudding  and  pie, 
Kissed  the  girls  and  made  them  cry. 
***** 

But  entre  nous,  that  legend  of  yore 
Only  tells  half;  they  cried  for  more! 


44          &l)t  ffim  ffoofe. 

"Are  you  the  photographer?" 
"Yes  sir." 

"Do  you  take  children's  pictures  ?" 
"Yes  sir." 

"How  much  do  you  charge?" 
"Three  dollars  a  dozen." 
"Weil,  I  have  to  see  you  again.     FTC 
only  got  eleven." 


THE  MAN — Edison's  a  wonder,  isn't 
he? 

THE  MAID — I  don't  think  so!  You 
can't  turn  his  incandescent  lights  down 
low. 


"When  were  walking-sticks  first  in- 
vented?" 

"When?" 

"When  Eve  presented  Adam  with  a 
little  Cain." 

"Pat,"  said  one  Catholic  friend  to 
another,  "how  would  you  like  to  be  buried 
in  a  Protestant  graveyard?" 

"Faith  an' I'd  die  first!" 


— No  matter  how  high  an  awning  may 
be  suspended,  it  is  only  a  shade  above  the 
street. 


ffun 


An  Irislunan,  just  landed,  seeing  an 
electric-motor  car  running  for  the  first 
time,  exclaimed:  "Well,  well,  Ould  Nick 
must  be  pullin'  it  wid  a  string." 


DAME  RUMOR  ought  frequently  to  have 
her  named  spelled  without  the  e. 

"Where  are  you  working  now?" 
"I'm  working  down  in  a  match  fac- 
tory." 

"How  is  business  ?" 
"Light." 

An  Irish  doctor  advertises  that  the  deaf 
may  hear  of  him  at  a  house  in  Liffey 
street,  where  his  blind  patients  may  see 
him  from  ten  till  three. 


"Where  are  you  going,  my  pretty  maid?" 
"Out  automobiling,  sir,"  she  said. 

"May  I  go  with  you,  my  pretty  maid?" 
"If  you  can  steer  the  old  thing,  you 

may,"  she  said. 


A  painter,  who  fell  off  a  scaffold  with 
a  pot  of  paint  in  each  hand  said :  "well, 
I  came  down  with  flying  colors,  anyhow." 


46          tEfre  $tm  ffioofe. 

— "I'm  very  sorry  for  that  boy.  Your 
scolding  cut  him  to  the  quick." 

— "That's  impossible.  He  has  no 
quick.  He's  a  messenger  boy." 

A  lady  one  day  being  in  need  of  some 
small  change  called  down-stairs  to  the 
cook  and  enquired:  "Mary,  have  you  any 
'coppers'  down  there?"  "Yes,  mum, 
I've  two;  but  if  you  please,  mum,  they're 
both  me  cousins,"  was  the  unexpected 
reply. 

<rWhen  I  was  eating  my  dinner  to-day 
the  butter  ran." 

"That's  nothing.  I  was  up-town  last 
night  and  saw  a  cake  walk." 


SHE — "They  say  that  your  father  is  a 
millionaire.  Is  it  true?" 

HE — "Yes;  and,  strange  to  say,  I  am 
one  also." 

SHE — "How  do  you  make  that  out?" 

HE — "Why,  I  am  the  only  child,  there- 
fore I  am  a  million  \evr,  of  course." 


Girle  and  billiard  balls  kiss  each  other 
with  just  about  the  same  amount  of  real 
feeling. 


Cftc  ffim  Ifoolu  47 

MISTRESS — "I  am  not  quite  satisfied 
with  your  references." 

APPLICANT — "Naythur  am  I,  mum; 
but  they's  the  best  I  could  get!" 


"What  are  you  writing  such  a  big  hand 
for,  Pat?"  "Why,  you  see  my  grand- 
mother is  dafe,  and  I'm  writing  a  loud 
letter  to  her." 

"There  was  a  terrible  murder  in  the 
hotel  to-day." 
"Was  there." 

"Yes;  a  paper-hanger  hung  a  border." 
"It  must  have  been  a  put-up  job!" 


As  man  and  wife  are  one,  the  husband 
when  seated  with  his  wife,  must  be  be- 
side himself. 

"Well,  Pat,  and  how  is  that  bull-pup 
of  yours  doing?" 

"Oh,  he's  dead!  The  illiganlt  baste 
wint  an*  swallowed  a  tape-measure!" 

"Oh,  I  see !    He  died  by  inches,  then  ?" 

"No;  begorra,  he  didn't!  He  wint 
round  to  the  back  of  the  houee  an*  died 
by  the  yard !" 


48          gEfre  ffun 


"You  treat  me"  cried  Mrs.  Peck,  "as 
though  I  was  a  monkey!" 

"Oh,  no!"  responded  H.  Peck,  "One 
can  train  monkeys." 


"My  lord,"  said  the  foreman  of  an  Irish 
jury  when  giving  in  his  verdict,  "we  find 
the  man  who  stole  the  mare  not  guilty." 

"Did  the  fisherman  have  frog's  legs, 
Bridget?" 

"Sure  I  couldn't  see,  mum;  he  had  his 
pants  on." 

"A  woman  fell  overboard  from  a  ship 
yesterday  and  a  shark  came  up  and 
looked  her  over  and  went  away." 

"He  never  touched  her?" 

"No.     He  was  a  man-eating  shark." 


GROCEEYMAN — "Pat,  do  you  like  ap- 
ples?" 

PAT — "Sure,  sor,  Oi  wudn't  ate  an 
apple  for  the  world." 

"Why  how  is  that?" 

"Ough!  didn't  me  ould  mother  die  av 
apple  plexy?" 


jhm  ffioofe.  49 


"See  here,  sir,"  remonstrated  the1 
young  gentleman,  "I  got  up  to  give  my 
seat  to  the  lady,  not  to  you." 

"Ach,  daf  s  all  right.  She's  my  vife," 
he  responded  placidly.  And  he  kept  the 
seat. 


"My  son,"  said  the  good  old  man,  "if 
you  only  work  hard  enough  when  you 
undertake  a  thing,  you're  bound  to  be  at 
the  top  when  you've  finished." 

"But  suppose  I  undertake  to  dig  a 
well?" 

"Did  you  have  any  trouble  with  black 
ants  in  Ireland,  Bridget?" 

"No,  ma'am,  but  I  had  some  trouble 
onc't  with  a  white  uncle." 


"There's  a  young  woman  who  makes 
little  things  count." 

"How  does  she  do  it?" 

"Teaches  arithmetic  in  a  primary 
school." 

"If  s  thrue,"  said  Paddy  to  Dennis  one 
day,  "it  wor  a  grand  soight.  But  whoile 
ye're  standin'  sit  down,  an'  Oi'll  tell  ye 
all  about  it." 


50          tEfrt  ffim 


"What  did  you  wear  last  night?" 
asked  the  celery.  "A  lovely  mayon- 
naise/' replied  the  lettuce.  "And  you?" 
"Never  was  so  mortified  in  all  my  life; 
I  wasn't  dressed  at  all,"  said  the  celery; 
and  the  beet  blushed. 


A  woman  never  fully  understands  the 
hardness  of  the  world  until  she  falls  off 
a  bicycle  a  few  times. 

MRS.  FUSSY — "John  you're  the  most 
unreasonable  man  I  ever  met  in  my  life." 

ME.  FUSSY— "I  don't  doubt  it.  I'm 
the  only  one  that  ever  married  you." 

Jonah's  experience  with  the  whale  is 
proof  that  you  can't  keep  a  good  man 
down. 

"Since  I've  been  married  I  don't  get 
half  enough  to  eat." 

"Well,  you  must  remember  that  we  are 
one  now." 

"What  man  in  the  army  wore  the 
biggest  hat?" 

"The  one  with  the  biggest  head,  of 
course." 


fftin  ffoofc  5 


"Nothing  can  make  a  woman  so  super- 
latively happy  as  to  have  a  baby  of  her 
own  to  kiss/'  exclaimed  Mrs.  McBride, 
rapturously,  as  she  fondled  her  first- 
born. 

"My  dear,"  replied  her  husband,  pity- 
ingly, "you  can  never  know  the  unutter- 
able joy  of  being  'Nerf  in  a  crowded 
barber  shop  on  Saturday  night/' 


"Aren't  you  afraid,  dear,  you'll  catch 
cold  in  the  scanty  bathing  robe?"  he 
asked. 

"Oh,  no,"  replied  the  dashing  bride. 
This  is  a  very  warm,  suit,  hubby,  dear." 


MRS.  BENHAM — Our  new  minister's 
name  is  Stone. 

BENHAM — Well,  there  are  sermons  in 
stones. 


ALGY — "Charming  widow,  isn't  she? 
They  say  she  is  to  marry  again." 

CHOLLY — "I  wouldn't  want  to  be  a 
widow's  second  husband." 

ALGY — "Well,  I'd  rather  be  a  widow's 
second  husband  than  her  first,  doncher- 
know." 


52          SEfre  ffun 


A  Boston,  man  upon  learning  that 
there  were  4,000  Poles  in  New  York,  ex- 
claimed: <rWhat  a  place  to  raise  beans." 


FRED — "I  had  a  fall  last  night  which 
rendered  me  unconscious  for  several 
hours." 

ED— "You  don't  mean  it?  Where 
did  you  fall?" 

FRED— "I  fell  asleep/' 


"I  say,  old  chap,  how  short  your  over- 
coat is!" 

"Oh,  that's  all  right!  It'll  be  long 
enough  before  I  can  afford  a  new  one." 


PAT — "'Twas  the  divil  of  a  blow  the 

gave  yer.    Yer  wuz  near  Kilt." 
MIKE — "Begorra,   I   wish  I  had   died 
that  I  moite  see  the  villain  hung." 

JIM — "Why  do  you  wear  your  stock- 
ing wrong  side  outward?" 

PAT — "Because  there's  a  hole  on  the 
other  side." 


"Held  by  the  enemy" — the  ulster  which 
we  are  unable  to  redeem. 


gun  jBoofu  53 


"How  could  you  endure  talking  so  long 
with  that  ugly  old  woman  with  that 
frightful  costume  without  laughing  in 
her  face?  "Oh,  that's  easy.  She  is 
my  wife." 


TEACHER — When  does  suicide  become 
a  crime? 

SMART  BOY — When  it  becomes  a  con- 
firmed habit. 

"Nonsense,  sir.  Why  is  suicide  a 
crime  ?" 

"Because  it  injures  the  health." 


The  modern  drummer  is  not  much  like 
the  month  of  March.  March  is  said  to 
come  in  a  lion  and  go  out  a  lamb,  while 
the  drummer  comes  in  a  lyin'  and  goes 
out  a  lyin'. 


How  to  signal  a  bark — pull  a  dog's  tail. 

"Say,  pop,  do  people  take  snuff  nowa- 
days?" 

"Sometimes,  my  son." 

"Oh,  then  its  all  right?" 

"What  is  all  right?" 

"Why,  I  heard  mamma  telling  Aunt 
Amy  that  you  wasn't  up  to  snuff." 


54          3Efte  ffiun 


"I  understand  that  Willougbby  was 
half  seas  over  at  the  Sneerwell  dinner.'"' 
"Oh,  no.  He  was  sailing  into  the  port 
when  I  left." 


BACON — What's  that  thread  tied  about 
your  little  finger  for? 

EGBERT — Oh,  that's  just  to  remind  my 
wife  to  ask  me  if  I  forgot  something  she 
told  me  to  remember. 


HE — You-  saw  some  old  ruins  while  in 
England,  I  presume?  SHE — Yes,  in- 
deed I  And  one  of  them  wanted  to  marry 
me.— 


CHOLLT — Ethel  Knox  told  me  last 
night  I  wasn't  over  half-witted.  SUSIE — 
I  shouldn't  feel  badly  about  that;  she 
never  did  know  anything  about  fractions. 


MRS.  SWELLERY — What  is  the  matter 
with  my  husband,  doctor? 

PHYSICIAN — Appendicitis,  madam. 

MRS.  S. — I  am  so  glad.  I  was  afraid 
he  might  have  something  unfashionable. 

A  man  who  drives  away  customers — 
the  cabman. 


fftm  ffoofe.  55 


CLEVEBTON  —  Miss  Cutler  tells  me  she 
has  been  putting  quinine  on  her  face 
lately  for  her  complexion. 

DASHAWAY  —  I  guess  I'll  go  around 
there.  I  have  a  touch  of  malaria. 


MAUD — How  do  you  define  love? 
MARIE — Love  is  the  life  of  illusions. 
"And  what  is  marriage?"     "Oh,  mar- 
riage is  the  death  of  them." 


WEEKS — Well,  how  are  things  over  in 
Boston?  Have  they  named  any  new  pies 
"Aristotle"  yet? 

WENTMAN — N"o-o.  But  I  heard  a  man 
there  ask  for  a  Plato  soup. 

SUNDAY  SCHOOL  TEACHKB — What  is 
meant  in  the  parable  by  a  "house  built 
upon  a  rock?" 

SUNDAY  SCHOOL  SCHOLAE — A  Harlem 
flat. 

"I  am  quite  surprised,  Mr.  Meeker,  to 
account  for  your  wife's  knowledge  of  par- 
liamentary law." 

"Great  Caesar!  Hasn't  she  been 
speaker  of  the  house  for  the  last  fifteen 
years?" 


56  flTfre  ffim  jfoofe. 

MR.  GREATHEAD,  the  landlord,  says  he 
prefers  as  tenants  experienced  chess 
players,  because  it  is  so  seldom  they  move. 


"You  have  a  bad  cold,"  he  said.  "I 
have,"  she  replied  huskily.  "I  am  so 
hoarse  that  if  you  attempted  to  kiss  me 
I  couldn't  even  scream." 


A  LITTLE  burn  makes  a  big  smart 
sometimes.  But  even  a  big  burn  could 
not  make  some  people  smart. 

"Don't  talk  to  me  about  compulsory 
vaccination!"  exclaimed  the  man  who 
had  his  arm  in  a  sling.  "I'm  sore  on 
that  subject." 


There  are  many  sweet,  entrancing  mo- 
ments in  this  life,  but  when  a  man  steps 
on  your  pet  corn  you  do  not  experience 
one  of  them. 


The  impecunious  young  man  who  mar- 
ries a  girl  with  a  substantial  check  at- 
tached may  very  properly  be  said  to  have 
been  checkmated. 


ffun  jBook.  57 


VISITOR  —  I  suppose  you  have  a  great 
deal  of  poetry  sent  into  you  for  publica- 
tion? 

EDITOR  —  No,  not  very  much  poetry 
as  a  rule;  some  of  it  is  verse,  and  some 
of  it  is  worse. 

"What  is  your  idea  of  happiness?" 
"Nothing  to  do  and  lots  of  time  to  do 
it  in." 


— So  Ethel  is  to  marry  that  young  Bob 
Halstey;  why,  he  has  been  jilted  by  half 
a  dozen  girls. 

— Case  of  being  well  shaken  before 
taken,  I  suppose. 

'I've  been  pondering  over  a^very  sin- 
gular thing/' 

"What  is  it?" 

"How  putting  a  ring  on  a  woman's 
third  finger  should  place  you  under  that 
woman's  thumb." 


They  cannot  be  complete  in  aught 
Who  are  not  humorously  prone; 

A  man  without  a  merry  thought 
Can  hardly  have  a  funny  bone. 


58 tEfre  igun  jfoofc. 

TEACHER — Johnny,  can  you  tell  me 
what  a  section  boss  is? 

JOHNNY — -The  conductor_of  a  sleeping- 
car. 


PERSONAL — "'A  young  woman,  to 
whom  black  is  particularly  becoming, 
would  like  to  meet  a  gentleman  in  poor 
health;  object,  widowhood/" 


"I  am  told  lynching  is  a  pastime  in 
this  section." 

"Well,  we  do  loop  the  loop  occasion- 
ally." 


'The  house  a  lawyer  once  enjoy'd, 
Now  to  a  smith  doth  pass; 
How  naturally  the  iron  age 
Succeeds  the  age  of  brass!" 


TOMDICK — Fd  like  to  find  some  girl 
willing  to  marry  me. 

ANDAEEY — Ah!  You  want  one  ready 
maid. 

TEACHER — Yes,  dear;  ova  refers  to  an 

egg- 

WILLY — Then  when  they  throw  bad 
eggs  at  an  actor  he  gets  a  literal  ovation, 
I  s'poee. 


QTfre  ffun  goofe}  59 

IKEY — Fader,   is   "imbegunious"   undt 
"inzolvent"  der  same? 

. FADER — Nodt  at  all!  "Imbegunious" 
is  ven  a  man  has  got  no  more  money, 
undt  "inzolvent"  is  ven  his  greditors  has 
got  about  all  der  money  dey  are  goin*  to 
get. 


SHE — "Are  you  fond  of  tea?" 
HE — "Yes;  but  I  like  the  next  letter 
better." 


It  was  the  morning  after,  and  he 
wanted  a  small  favor. 

"I  admit  that  I  am  temporarily  hard 
up/'  he  said,  "but  thaf  s  because  I  can't 
realize." 

"Can't  realize  on  what?" 

"On  my  thirst.  If  I  could  only  sell 
that  thirst  for  half  what  it  cost  me  I'd 
be  all  right." 


When  the  penniless  lordling  to  get  a  rich 

wife 

Of  his  own  nationality  fails, 
He  crosses  the  ocean  with  heart  light  and 

gay 

And  robs  the  United  States  males. 


60          flEfre  jpun 


HUSBAND—  My  dear,  how  would  you 
like  a  book  for  a  present? 

WIFE  —  Very  much. 

"Well,  what  sort  of  a  book  would  you 
like  —  a  book  of  poems,  for  instance?" 

"No;  a  bank-book." 


"That  sounds  like  the  charity  bawl," 
said  the  nurse,  as  the  babies  in  the  orphan 
asylum  began  to  yell. 


He  went  on  a  lark, 
So  his  wife  did  remark, 

And  some  angry  words,  too,  did  she  mut- 
ter. 

On  a  lark  he  went  out, 

Of  that  fact  there's  no  doubt, 

But  he  came  in,  alas!  on  a  shutter. 


CONDON — Have  you  been  cured  of  that 
last  attack  of  malaria? 

DENBY — Oh,  yes,  Doctress  Anna  Curem 
knocked  it  silly.  But  her  treatment  left 
me  with  a  worse  disease  than  malaria 
ever  was. 

"You  don't  say  BO!" 

"Yes,  sir;  I've  got  an  incurable  case 
of  heart  disease  now." 


ffun  Ifoofe.  6 


For  years  she'd  heard  her  husband  sadly 

say: 
"Can't  we  have  pies  like  mother  used 

to  bake?" 

At  last  she  cried:   "Of  course  we  can, 
\  you  Jay, 

;    iWhen  you  make  dough  that  papa  used 
to  make." 

YANKEE  —  "I  say,  Britisher,  can  you 
spell  horse?" 

ENGLISHMAN  —  "  'Orse  ?  Why,  cer- 
tainly. It  honly  takes  a  haitch  and  a  ho 
and  a  har  and  a  hess  and  a  he  to  spell 
'orse." 


"What  is  the  meaning  of  the  saying 
that  a  man  shall  earn  his  bread  in  the 
sweat  of  his  brow?"  asked  a  boy  in  a 
New  York  school. 

"Have  you  never  observed  a  man  work- 
ing on  a  warm  day?"  asked  the  teacher. 

"No,  don't  think  I  ever  saw  one." 

"What  does  your  father  do  on  a  right 
hot  day?" 

"He  goes  in  bathing  out  at  Coney 
Island." 

"What  is  your  father's  business?" 

"He  is  a  walking  delegate." 


62          3Efre  gun  ffoolu 

A  tramp  asked  a  farmer  for  something  to 

eat 

One  day  as  he  chanced  there  to  stop, 
The  kind  hearted  farmer  went  out  to  the 


And  gave  him  an  axe  and  feelingly  gaid : 
"Now  just  help  yourself  to  a  chop/' 


"Yea"  said  a  landlord,  sadly,  whose 
tenant  had  made  a  moonlight  "flitting," 
"appearances  are  deceitful;  but  dis- 
appearances are  still  more  so." 


Sailors  are  not  fond  of  agricultural  im- 
plements usually,  but  they  always  wel- 
come the  cry  of  "Land-hoe." 


Some  men  divide  their  lives  between 
trying  to  forget  and  trying  to  recover 
from  the  effects  of  trying  to  forget. 


"Castles  in  the  air  are  walled  in  by 
fancy,"  remarked  the  poet.  "Faith,  I'd 
prefer  a  role  fence,"  said  Pat. 

A  boy  who  is  frequently  chastised  both 
by  his  mother  and  grandmother,  speaks 
of  th«m  as  "a  spanking  team." 


jgun  jgoofe,          63 


A  man  aroused  his  wife  from  a  sound 
sleep,  the  other  night,  saying  that  he  had 
seen  a  ghost  in  the  shape  of  a  donkey. 

"Oh  !  let  me  sleep,"  the  irate  dame  re- 
joined, "and  don't  be  frightened  at  your 
own  shadow."  • 


"What  a  fearful  night  I  had  when  I 
drew  this  gun  the  first  time!"  said  the 
bartender,  as  he  showed  a  handsome 
silver-mounted  Colt. 

<fWhen    was    it?"    gasped    the    crowd. 

"Night  before  last  at  the  raffle  in 
Kellers!" 

"Gee  whizz!"  said  the  boy  who  had 
been  forced  to  take  castor  oil.  "I  do 
wish  ma  was  a  Christian  Scientist!" 


If  you  want  to  see  a  strong  organiza- 
tion, look  at  the  whisky  dealers;  if  you 
want  to  see  a  weak  one,  look  at  the  con- 
sumers. 

With    cards    and    dice,    and    dress    and 
friends, 

My  savings  are  complete ; 
I  light  the  candle  at  both  ends, 

And  thus   make  both   ends   meet 


64          grfre  ffim 


"There  goes  a  man  irho  leads  in 
letters." 

"Ah,  indeed!  Whafs  hia  name?" 
"A.  A.  Adams." 

Lawyers  practice  at  the  bar,  while  bar- 
tenders and  mosquitoes  practice  inside  of 
it. 

A  squall  on  the  sea  is  a  stress  of 
weather,  and  a  squaller  on  land  is  a  song- 
stress. 


Adversity  is  not  without  comfort — 
your  enemy  may  be  in  harder  luck  than 
you. 

When  a  man  is  short  of  money  he 
finds  most  of  his  friends  whom  he  meets 
short-sighted. 

A  beautiful  lassie  named  Florence, 
Once  wept  till  her  tears  flowed  in  tor- 
ence. 

When  asked  why  she  cried, 
She  sighed,   and  replied, 
"The  Sheriffs  been  here  with  some  wor- 
«nce." 


ffun  ffoofi  65 


In  this  glorious  land  of  the  free,  you 
always  have  to  pay  for  the  drinks  in  or- 
der to  get  a  whack  at  the  free  lunch. 

GRACE  —  "Fred  and  Mabel  are  not  on 
speaking  terms  any  more." 

BELLA  —  "Why,  I  thought  they  were 
engaged/' 

GRACE  —  "So  they  are.  They  just  sit 
for  hours  and  hold  each  other's  hands." 


"Do  you  believe  in  luck?" 
"Sometimes.      See    that    fat    woman 
with  the  red  hat  over  there?" 
"Yes." 
"Twenty    years    ago    she    refused    to 

marry  me."         

"Haven't  I  told  you  before,"  he  cried, 
"to  sing  out  the  names  of  stations  clearly 
and   distinctly?     Bear   in   mind.      Sing 
'em  out.    Do  you  hear?" 
"I  will  sir." 

And  when  the  next  train  came  in  the 
passengers  were  considerably  astonished 
to  hear  Pat  sing: 

"Sweet  Dreamland  Faces 

Passing  to  and  fro, 
Change  here  for  Limerick, 
Galway  and  Mayo." 


66  tEfte  ffun  jtoafe. 

"A  butcher  knows  how  to  make  both 
ends  meet." 
"Yes,  if  you  give  him  the  proper  steer." 


"That  man  has  had  five  wives." 

"Tandem  or  simultaneously?" 

"I  don't  understand." 

"Is  he  a  Mormon  or  a  Chicago  man?" 


HE — How  does  it  happen  that  none  of 
you  women  have  come  forward  with  a 
new  currency  plan? 

SHE — Oh,  we  already  have  a  perfect 
one.  When  we  need  currency  we  just 
sit  down  and  cry  for  it. 

A  boil  in  the  pot  is  worth  two  on  the 
neck. 


Letters   from  a  soldier  of  fortune — 
I.  0.  U. 

"I'm    very    much    surprised,"    quoth 

Harry, 

"That  Jane  a  gambler  should  marry." 
"I'm  not  at  all,"  her  sister  says, 
ffYou  know  he  has  such  winning  ways!" 


3Pun  jfoofe.  67 


Whether  tall  men  or  short  men  are  best, 
Or  bold  men,  or  modest  and  shy  men, 

I  can't  say,  but  this  I  protest, 
All  the  fair  are  in  favor  of  Hy-men. 

An  Irishman  wandering  up  Fifth  ave- 
nue saw  in  the  window  of  a  photogra- 
pher's shop  a  large  photograph  of  Me- 
phisto.  He  went  inside,  and  after  gazing 
about  the  walls,  said  to  the  proprietor: 

"I  want  to  have  a  pichtur  taken  av 
meself  an'  me  bruther.  How  much?" 

The  proprietor  named  the  figure. 

"All  right,"  said  Pat.  "Will  you  take 
it  now?" 

"Where  is  your  brother?"  asked  the 
photographer. 

"He's  in  Ireland,"  was  the  reply. 

"Well  my  man,"  said  the  photographer, 
"we  can't  take  his  picture  unless  he  is 
here." 

"Thaf  s  funny,"  said  Pat.  "Ye  took  a 
pichtur  of  the  divil,  an'  he's  down  be- 
low." 


"Did  you  shoot  anything,  Henrick?" 

"Yes,  a  duck." 

"What!  a  wild  one?" 

"No,  but  the  farmer  was  wild." 


68          £fie  ffiun  ffioolt. 

HE — "The  fact  is,  you  women  make 
fools  of  the  men." 

SHE — "Sometimes,  perhaps;  but  some- 
times we  don't  have  to." 


"What  was  the  subject  of  your  debate 
this  evening?" 

"Whisky." 

"Was  it  well  discussed?" 

"Yes.  most  of  the  members  were  full 
of  the  subject." 


THE  DOCTOR — "You  regard  society  as 
merely  a  machine,  do  you?  What  part 
of  the  machinery  do  you  consider  me,  for 
instance  ?" 

THE  PEOFESSOE — "You  are  one  of  the 
cranks." 


"Do  you  think  the  elevator  boy  stole 
your  watch?" 

"Well,  he  swore  up  and  down  that  he 
didn't." 

SLOPAY — "And,  doctor,  if  you  will,  I 
wish  you  vould  give  me  something  to 
help  my  memory.  I  forget  so  easily." 

DOCTOE — ''Very  well.  I'll  send  you  a 
bill  every  month." 


ffun  ffioofe.  69 


If  the  devil  lost  its  tail,  where  would 
he  go  to  get  another  one? 

To  a  liquor  store  where  they  retail 
spirits. 

"What  must  a  man  be  that  he  shall  be 
buried  with  military  honors?" 
"He  must  be  a  captain." 
"Then  I   lose  the  bet." 
"What  did  you  bet?" 
"I  bet  he  must  be  dead." 


ACTOR  FRIEND  (inquiring  at  boarding 
house) — Has  Mr.  Comedy  taken  his  de- 
parture yet? 

"Yes,"  snapped  the  landlady,  "but 
that's  all  he  did  take;  I've  got  his  ward- 
robe." 


"We  have  German  bands  and  French 
bands  and  American  bands,  but  you  never 
hear  of  an  Irish  band.  You  couldn't  have 
one.  Every  man  would  want  to  be 
leader." 


He  dined,  not  wisely,  but  too  well — 

Hence  all  his  ills; 
And  nothing  now  agrees  with  him, 

Excepting  pills. 


70  Cfte 


TOMMY  —  Yes,  cats  can  see  in  the  dark, 
and  so  can  Ethel;  'cause  when  Mr. 
Wright  walked  into  the  parlor  when  she 
was  sitting  all  alone  in  the  dark,  I  heard 
her  say  to  him,  "Why,  Arthur,  you  didn't 
get  shaved  to-day." 


"Too  bad  they  can't  train  cats  to  un- 
derstand baseball,"  remarked  the  fat  man 
to  his  neighbor  on  the  bleachers.  "They'd 
make  ideal  umpires.  One  life  for  each 
inning." 


"Oh,  I  am  awfully  worried.  I  walk  in 
my  sleep."  "I  only  wish  I  could  do  it. 
If  I  could  I'd  still  have  my  job  on  the 
police  force." 

He  was  a  genial,  smiling  man 

And  fond  of  whisky  plain, 
But  when  he  joined  the  temperance  club, 

He  never  smiled  again. 


She  wants  to  be  punctual,  always  on  time, 
So  carries  her  watch  where  she  goes. 

And  if  you  examine  her  wardrobe  you'll 

find 
She  even  has  clocks  on  her  hose. 


ffun  jfoofc.          71 


MERCHANT  (to  his  confidential  clerk) 
—  Here's  a  letter  from  Mr.  Slowpay,  but 
no  money.  Whafs  the  matter  with  him? 

CLERK  —  Oh,  he's  all  write. 

"Who's  all  write?" 

"Slowpay." 

But  they  didn't  cheer  any,  for  there's 
no  cheer  in  such  writing. 


"Only  a  silver  watch,"  said  the  pawn- 
broker. "The  last  time  I  advanced  you 
money  on  your  watch  it  had  a  solid  gold 
case." 

"Yes,"  replied  Hard-uppe,  "but — er — 
circumstances  alter  cases,  you  know." 


VISITOR — "Oh,  what  a  nice  parrot 
you've  got!  Pretty  Polly!  Polly  want 
a  cracker?" 

PARROT — "Oh,  come  off!  I'm  not  as 
green  as  I  look." 

"Dear,"  said  the  physician's  wife, 
"when  can  you  let  me  have  ten  dollars?" 

"Well,"  replied  the  medical  man.  "I 
hope  to  cash  a  draft  shortly." 

"Cash  a  draft?     What  draft?" 

"The  one  I  saw  old  Jenkins  sitting  in 
this  morning." 


72          &t)e  ffitm  goolu 

NEWLYWED — "What  do  bachelors 
know  about  women?" 

OLDBACH — "Lots ;  otherwise  they 
would  not  be  bachelors." 


"And  did  you  never  kiss  a  girl  under 
the  mistletoe?" 

"Well,  no;  its  pleasanter  to  kiss  her 
under  the  nose." 


WIFE — Will  you  see  that  my  grave  is 
kept  green,  my  darling? 

HUSBAND — No,  my  dear,  but  I  will 
plant  violets  upon  it. 

"For  what  reason?" 

"Because  I  do  not  wish  any  grave- 
robber  to  dig  up  your  body." 

"How  will  the  planting  of  violets  upon 
my  grave  prevent  them  from  digging  me 
up?" 

"Your  grave  will  be  kept  inviolate,  of 
course." 


HAUGHTY  LADY —  (who  has  purchased 
a  stamp) — Must  I  put  it  on  myself? 

POST  OFFICE  ASSISTANT  (very  politely) 
— Not  necessarily,  ma'am;  it  will  prob- 
ably accomplish  more  if  you  put  it  on 
the  letter. 


ffuu  ffoolu  73 


My  dentist  has  an  eagle  eye, 
And  vicious  tools  he  hacks  with, 

He's  clever,  but  I've  come  to  think 
He'd  make  a  better  blacksmith. 


"Well,  I  see  Admiral  Dewe/s  rank  is 
reduced." 

"What  is  he,  a  commodore?" 

"No." 

"A  captain?" 

"No." 

"Well,  what  is  he?" 

"Mrs.  Dewey's  second  mate." 


"Well,  have  you  anything  to  say?" 
asked  the  Judge. 

The  little  man  on  the  witness  stand 
looked  around  the  court-room  rather  fear- 
fully. 

"That  depends,"  he  answered  at  last. 
"Is  my  wife  in  the  room?" 


"I  hope  they  don't  give  my  little  boy 
any  naughty  nicknames  in  school?" 

"Yes,  ma,  they  call  me  'Corns'." 

"How  dreadful !  And  why  do  they  call 
you  that?" 

"Cause  in  our  class,  you  know,  I'm  al- 
ways at  the  foot." 


74 


"Every  time  I  get  on  a  ferry  boat  it 
makes  me  cross." 


"How    is    Uncle    Mose    coming    on?" 
asked  Sam  Johnsing  of  Jim  Webster. 
"He  will  be  out  in  a  few  days." 
"Is  his  rheumatism  done  gone?" 
"Well,  not  perzackly.     Dar's  room  for 
improvement  yit." 

"Yes,  I've  heerd  some  rheumers  ter  dat 
effec'." 


—"When  Mrs.  Eiley  died  she  left 
$40,000  sewed  up  in  her  bustle." 

— "Dear  me!  That's  a  lot  of  money 
to  leave  behind." 


"John,  can  you  tell  me  the  difference 
between  attraction  of  gravitation  and  at- 
traction of  cohesion?" 

"Yes,  sir;  attraction  of  gravitation 
pulls  a  drunken  man  down  to  the  ground 
and  the  attraction  of  cohesion  prevents 
his  getting  up  again." 

DOCTOR — You  are  fagged  out;  you 
must  give  up  all  headwork. 

PATIENT — Why,  that  spells  ruin! 
I'm  a  hair-dresser ! 


Cfte  |ton  jtoofe. 75 

After  a  man  has  had  occasion  to  em- 
ploy a  first-class  lawyer  it  is  useless  to 
tell  him  that  talk  is  cheap. 


"My    dear,     what    makes    you    always 
yawn  ?" 

The  wife  exclaimed,  her  temper  gone, 
"Is  home  so  dull  and  dreary?" 
"Not  so,  my  love,"  he  said,  "Not  so; 

But  man  and  wife  are  one,  you  know; 
And  when  alone  I'm  weary!" 


"A  man  stole  a  harness  the  other  day 
and  never  left  a  trace. 


"Why  does  a  donkey  eat  thistles?" 
asked  a  Texas  teacher  of  one  of  the  larg- 
est boys  in  the  class. 

"Because  he  is  an  ass,  I  reckon." 


"Doing  anything  now,  Bill?" 
"Oh,  yes,  I'm  kept  busy  all  the  time." 
"Ah,  glad  to  hear  it.     What  are  you 
doing?" 

"Looking  for  a  job." 


"Jones    caught    the    hay    fever    from 
dancing  with  a  grass  widow." 


76  W&t  gun  j?oolL 

Of  all  the  saws 
That  I  ever  saw  saw, 
I  never  saw  a  saw 
Saw  like  this  saw  saws. 


"I  see  villainy  in  your  face,"  said  a 
judge  to  a  prisoner. 

"May  it  please  your  honor,"  said  the 
latter,  "that  is  a  personal  reflection." 


Don't  pen  missives  to  your  best  girl  on 
postal  cards.  She  may  have  suspicion 
that  you  do  not  care  two  cents  for  her. 

"Can  you  give  me  a  front  room  on  the 

first  floor?"   asked   a  travelling  man  of 

the  recently  installed  clerk. 
"Can  I  give  it  to  you  ?" 
"Yes,  that  is  what  I  remarked." 
"Thafs  queer,"  said  the  clerk,  "you're 

the   fourth   man   to-day  who  thought   I 

owned  this  hotel." 


"I  know  a  man  who  says  he  can't  sit 
down  and  he  can't  stand  up." 
"Well,  if  he  tells  the  truth,  he  lies." 


Mirrors   reflect  without   speaking   and 
women  often  speak  without  reflecting. 


ffun  ffioofc.  77 


rA  mechanic  his  labor  will  often  discard, 
If  the  rate  of  his  pay  he  dislikes: 

But  a  clock  —  and  its  case  is  uncommonly 

hard  — 
Will  continue  to  work  though  it  strikes! 


"I  don't  think  my  religion  will  be  any 
obstacle  to  your  church,"  he  urged;  "I 
am  a  spiritualist." 

"I  am  afraid  it  will,"  she  replied  "Pa 
is  a  prohibitionist,  you  know." 


"One  day  in  the  dining-car,  the  boy 
across  the  aisle  got  to  laughing  so,  he 
couldn't  stop.  I  said  to  his  mother,  'that 
boy  needs  a  spanking.'  She  said,  Veil, 
I  don't  believe  in  spanking  a  boy  on  a 
full  stomach.'  I  said,  'neither  do  I. 
Turn  him  over — '" 


The  tramp  should  never  complain  of 
hunger  when  he  can  always  enjoy  a  little 
loaf. 


"My  face  is  my  fortune,  sir,"  she  said, 
But  her  suitor  saw  right  through  her; 

She  meant  she  could  not  cash  a  check, 
Unless  the  banker  knew  her. 


78  3Efte  3£un  ffioofe 


"I  understand  that  Judge  Brown  is 
breaking  up  housekeeping." 

"That  can't  be.  He's  very  busy  these 
days  deciding  divorce  cases." 

"Well,  isn't  that  what  I  said  ?" 

"That  was  a  pretty  good  dog  story, 
wasn't  it?"  asked  Dinwiddie,  as  he  fin- 
ished telling  one. 

"Yes,"  replied  Gaswell  ;  "but  it  was  too 
long.  It  ought  to  have  been  curtailed." 


Casey  bet  on  a  horse  which  finished 
last.  He  went  down  to  the  paddock, 
called  out  the  jockey  who  had  ridden  him 
and  said :  "In  hivin's  name,  young  man, 
phwat  delayed  you?" 


"And  you  really  think  that  a  miss  is 
as  good  as  a  mile?" 

"Yaas,  and  a  good  deal  better,  for  one 
can  kiss  a  miss,  when  one  couldn't  kiss  a 
mile,  don'cher  know?" 


FRIEND — Do  you  permit  your  wife  to 
have  her  own  way? 

HUSBAND  (positively) — No,  sir.  She 
has  it  without  my  permission. 


ffim  jtoofe,  79 


"I'm.  not  surprised  that  hair-dressers 
feel  so  much  at  ease  in  the  society  of  the 
great." 

"You're  not?" 

"No;  they  are  surrounded  at  home  by 
any  number  of  big-wigs" 


She — They  say  the  eyes  are  the  win- 
dows of  the  soul,  I  believe. 

He — Yes;  and  when  a  man  goes  into  a 
drug  store  and  shuts  a  window  quickly, 
the  clerk  knows  just  about  what  the  poor 
soul  wants. 


BOY  (with  new  gun) — "Pa,  has  a  cat 
got  nine  lives?" 

PAPA  (donor  of  gun) — "Yes,  so  we 
are  told.  Why  do  you  ask?" 

BOY— "Well,  then,  Mr.  Brown's 
tabby's  got  eight  coming  to  her." 


"What  became  of  that  girl  you  made 
love  to  in  the  hammock?" 
"We  fell  out." 


"Did  you  hear  the  story  about  the  pea- 
cock?" 
"No." 
"If  s  a  beautiful  tale." 


80  tEfre  gun  ffioofe. 

"Boss,  hab  you  got  any  ob  dem  con- 
found cavortic  pills?" 

"Yes.  Do  you  want  them  plain  or 
coated?" 

"Dunno.  I  want  dem  ones  what's 
whitewashed." 


"Why  is  a  kiss  like  the  three  graces?" 
"If s  faith  to  a  girl;  hope  to  a  young 
woman  and  charity  to  an  old  maid." 


"Things  are  wrong,"  remarked  the  ob- 
server of  events  and  things,  "when  a 
reputable  physician  has  to  pay  money  for 
a  certificate  to  practice,  and  a  fourteen- 
year-old  girl  with  a  new  piano  doesn't." 


"In"  choosing  a  wife,"  said  the  scanty- 
haired  philosopher,  "one  should  never 
judge  by  appearances." 

'Thai? s  right,"  rejoined  the  very  young 
man.  "The  homeliest  girls  usually  have 
the  most  money." 


"Say,  did  you  ever  feel  as  if  you  wanted 
to  <hit  the  pipe?*" 

"No,  but  I've  often  felt  as  if  I  wanted 
to  hit  the  man  who  was  smoking  it." 


ffiun  ffiooli  81 


"It  was  this  a-way,  jedge:  Ye  see,  I 
doled  de  cards,  and  Jim  Brown  he  had  a 
pah  of  aces  and  a  pah  of  kings." 

"What  did  you  have  ?" 

"Three  aces,  jedge,  and  -  " 

"What  did  Jim  do?" 

"Jim,  he  drew." 

"What  did  he  draw?" 

"He  drew  a  razzer,  jedge." 

"Have  you  received  last  month's  gas 
bill,  dear?" 

"Yes,  husband." 

"Well,  what5  s  the  charge  of  the  light 
brigade  ?" 


"You  are  absolutely  certain  about  your 
statement?"  asked  the  lawyer. 

"Absolutely  certain/'  assented  the  wit- 
ness. 

"You  swear  that  this  is  true?" 

"I  do." 

"Would  you  bet  on  it?" 

"Er — well — yes,  if  I  got  the  right 
odds." 


"Where  did  you  get  that  hair  on  your 
coat?" 

"From  the  head  of  the  bed." 


82          tEfre  ffiun 


MR.  B.  —  "You  won't  want  that  new 
novel  now  that  you  have  the  new  baby, 
will  you?" 

MBS.  B.—  "Yes,  I  want  them  both.  To 
have  and  to  hold." 


SHE — "You  say  your  automobile  has 
been  acting  strangely  all  day?" 

HE — "Yes ;  it  has  stopped  I  don't  know 
how  many  times." 

SHE — "And  what  are  you  putting  the 
oil  on  it  for?" 

HE — "To  stop  it  stopping." 


"Massachusetts  is  noted  for  boots  and 
shoes." 

"Yes  and  Kentucky  is  noted  for  shoots 
and  booze." 


"Only  the  highest  element  in  local  so- 
ciety was  invited  to  the  ball." 
"Oh,  I  see !  It  was  a  high-ball." 


SHE — "A  writer  says  that  in  order  to 
succeed  a  man  must  be  ninety-five  per 
cent,  backbone." 

HE — "Oh,  I  don't  know.  A  good  many 
who  have  managed  to  arrive  are  ninety- 
five  per  cent,  cheek." 


ffun  Poofc.  83 


SILLICUS  —  Do  you  think  we  shall  know 
each  other  in  the  hereafter? 

CTNICUS  —  I  hope  so.  Few  of  us  really 
know  each  other  here. 


Some  fellows  marry  poor  girls  to  settle 
down  and  others  marry  rich  ones  to  set- 
tle up. 

Some  people  who  jump  at  conclusions 
lose  sight  of  the  hurdles. 


"It's  a  dridful  bother  to  me  that  I  have 
to  be  sewing  buttons  on  me  own  clothes. 
If  I  was  only  a  married  man  I'd  ask  me 
woife  niver  to  allow  our  son  to  grow  up 
an  ould  batchler  like  his  fayther." 


SHE — You  can't  eat  cake  and  keep  it. 
HE — Oh,  yes,  you  can — the  kind  you 
make. 


Says  his  lordship  to  Thomas,  "Your  rent 

I  must  raise, 

I'm  so  plaguily  pinch'd  for  the  pelf." 
"Kaise     my     rent!"     replies     Thomas; 

"your  honor's  main  good. 
For  I  never  can  raise  it  myself." 


84  3Efte  ffimi  jfoofe. 

SCENE — Cabstand.  Lady  distributing 
tracts,  hands  one  to  cabby,  who  glances 
at  it,  hands  it  back  and  says  politely, 
"Thank  you,  lady,  but  Fm  a  married 
man."  Lady  nervously  looks  at  the  title, 
and  reading,  "Abide  with  me,"  hurriedly 
departs,  to  the  great  amusement  of  cabby. 


SENTIMENTAL  WIFE — Last  night  I 
dreamt  that  I  was  in  heaven. 

GRUFF  HUSBAND — You  did,  eh?  Why 
the  deuce  didn't  you  stay  there? 


He  said  to  her:     "You're  just  a  bird!" 
"Then,  Johnnie,  dear,"  said  she, 

"If  all  is  true  that  I  have  heard, 
A  bottle  goes  with  me." 


A  Frankfort  man  has  written  a  farce 
comedy  called  "Vaccine."  It  ought  to 
take. 


As  the  umpire  shouted  "Three  balls!" 
the  batsman  started  guiltily. 

"This  isn't  the  first  time  I've  raised 
something  on  a  diamond,"  he  muttered, 
as  he  hit  the  next  one  and  knocked  a 
pop-fly  to  the  pitcher. 


ffun  jBooiu  85 


HUSBAND  —  "Where's  your  mistress  ? 
She  said  she'd  be  ready  in  a  minute,  and 
I've  waited  half  an  hour." 

MAID  —  "She'll  be  down  in  a  second, 
sir.  She's  changing  her  complexion  to 
match  her  new  gown/' 

"Ah!  I'm  saddest  when  I  sing," 
She  sang  in  plaintive  key; 

And  all  the  neighbors  yelled, 
So  are  we  !  so  are  we." 


"Pa,  what  does  Sioux  Falls,  S.  D., 
mean  ?" 

"Eh?  Sioux  Falls  is  the  name  of  a 
town." 

"And  what's  S.  D.?" 

"Swift  divorce,  of  course." 


A  watch's  fate  is  hard  indeed, 
For  when  it's  not  in  soak 

It's  set  back  if  it  gets  ahead 

And  scorned  whene'er  it's  broke. 


After  wedding  a  rich  heiress,  Price 
Said,   "Gambling's   a  terrible  vice, 

But  one  thing  I  know, 
This  matching  for  dough 
Is  a  thing  that's  exceedingly  nice/' 


66         q%e  |Dun 


Firemen,  as  well  as  other  people,  like 
to  talk  of  their  flames 

The  speaker  of  the  house  is  in  deadly 
peril  when  every  member  on  the  floor 
wants  to  get  his  eye. 

I  asked  a  young  lady  living  on  her  pa's 
farm  what  they  did  with  all  their  fruit? 
Says  she:  "We  eat  all  we  can  and  can 
all  we  can't." 


EEGULAR  CALLER — "I'd  like  to  see 
your  father,  Tommy,  if  he  isn't  engaged." 

TOMMY — "He  is;  but  what  is  the  mat- 
ter with  Clara?  She  isn't  engaged." 


"What  is  a  swell  affair,  Jim?" 

"Swell  affair!  lemme  see.  Ah!  yes, 
I  know — a  boil." 

"Something  else,  try  again." 

"No,  give  it  up." 

"A  hill,  ye  know.  Don't  ye  see,  a  hill 
is  a  swell  affair,  and  besides  all  hills 
have  got  crests." 

"There's  a  great  art,"  says  Mickey  Do- 
Ian,  "in  knowing  what  not  to  know  whin 
yez  don't  want  to  know  it." 


£fje  ffun  ffoofe.  87 

"And  so  Prof.  Greene  has  at  last  dis- 
covered the  missing  link!  Where  did  he 
find  it?" 

"Under  the  bureau,  I  understand." 


"Young  ladies  who  feel  anxious  to  pre- 
serve the  most  symmetrical  anatomical 
proportions,  should  never  be  in  a  hurry. 
They  should  remember  that  Tiaste'  makes 
waist." 


"Anything  new  in  your  neighborhood  ?" 
we  asked  a  farmer. 

"Yes,  the  whole  neighborhood  is  stirred 
up,"  he  replied.  , 

"What  is  the  cause?"  we  asked  eagerly. 

"Ploughing." 


"I  don't  give  a  rap,"  said  the  coach- 
man, haughtily,  as  he  rang  the  electric 
bell. 


A  farmer  once  called  his  cow  "Zephyr," 
She  seemed  such  an  amiable  hephyr. 

When  the  farmer  drew  near, 

She  kicked  off  his  ear, 
And  now  the  old  farmer's  much  dephyr. 


"Are  you  engaged?"  inquired  the  lady 
of  Bridget  at  the  intelligence  office. 
"^To,  mum,  but  I  have  regular  company 
for  four  nights  o'  the  week." 


How  to  gain  flesh — buy  out  a  butcher 
shop. 

IDA — "Yes,  dear,  this  is  one  of  those 
'perfume'  concerts  the  same  as  they  have 
in  New  York." 

MAY — "Perfume?  Why  I  smell  gaso- 
line." 

IDA — "Well,  you  see,  they  are  playing 
the  'Automobile  March'  now." 


When  the  curtain  at  the  theater  takes 
a  drop  the  majority  of  the  males  in  the 
audience  go  out  to  follow  suit. 


"There's  one  peculiar  feature  about  the 
trust  business." 
"What?" 

"Those  interested  in  it  don't  need  it." 
"Don't  need  what?" 
"Trust.     They  can  pay  cash." 


A  woman's  shoe  that  is  "a  mile  too 
big,"  is  never  a  foot  in  length. 


fftm  Poofe.         89 


Full  many  a  coat  tail  that  is  long  and 

wide 
Does  from  the  public  gaze  two  monstrous 

patches  hide. 


The  glazier  is  not  necessarily  a  tire- 
some man  because  he  "gives  you  a  pane." 


"Some  men  are  easily  satisfied,"  re- 
marked the  Observer  of  Events  and 
Things.  "There  is  the  clock-maker,  for 
instance,  he  never  gets  any  extra  pay,  and 
yet  every  day  he  works  overtime." 


A  poacher,  surprised  at  his  work  and 
pursued  in  his  escape  by  a  vengefully 
thrown  axe,  remarked,  as  he  vaulted  a 
fence :  "I  have  no  fault  to  find  with  your 
remarks,  buit  I  object  to  the  axe-sent/* 


Take  away  my  first  letter,  take  away 
my  second  letter,  take  away  all  my  letters 
and  I  am  still  the  same.  What  am  I? 
The  postman. 


"You  have  been  losing  flesh  lately, 
haven't  you?"  "Yes,  I've  been  shaving 
myself. 


90 


'An  emblem  of  tenuity 

We  witness  every  day; 
Behold  the  corset  —  and  you'll  see 

The  whale-bone  comes  to  STAY. 


HE — Did  you  ever  see  anything  at  so- 
called  bargain  sales  that  was  really  cheap  ? 

SHE — Yes;  the  look  on  the  man's  face 
who  accompanied  his  wife  to  one  of  them. 


TEACHER  OF  DRAWING  CLASS — "Wil- 
lie, tell  me  How  you  would  make  a  maltese 
cross." 

WILLIE — "Step  on  his  tail,  mum." 


GUEST — "Look  here,  waiter,  do  you 
call  this  a  spring  chicken?  By  the  lord 
Harry,  it  is  as  tough  as  a  mother-in-law's 
tongue." 

WAITER — "Yes,  sir,  I  suppose  it  was 
hatched  from  a  hardboiled  egg!" 


"About  the  only  time  my  tailor  gives 
his  customers  regular  fit,"  said  Buttons, 
"is  when  they  neglect  to  pay  their  bills." 


Dun  IBook.          91 


A  man  with  the  heart  disease  is  about 
the  only  chap  who  desires  a  "regular 
beat"  for  a  bosom  friend. 

The  landlord  came  to  Mrs.  O'Hooligan 
on  the  first  day  of  May  last,  and  said: 
"See  here,  my  foine  loidy,  I  am  going 
to  raise  your  rent/'  "Oh  thanks  be  to  the 
Lord,"  said  Mrs.  O'Hooligan,  "I'm  so 
glad  that  you  intend  to  raise  it  for  me 
as  Dan  ainf  working  and  I'm  nather  able 
nor  willing  to  raise  it  myself." 


HE — The  bride  looks  radiant,  as  brides 
usually  do. 

SHE — Yes,  but  the  bridegroom  appears 
rather  run  down. 

HE — Run  down  eh?  That's  just  it; 
caught  after  a  long  chase. 


SHE — You  look  as  though  you  had 
raised  Ned  at  your  club  last  night. 

HE — I  did;  and,  what  is  worse,  he 
raised  me  back. 

FEANKLIN — "Do  you  know,  I  started 
in  life  as  a  barefooted  boy?" 

HAEDT— "Well,  I'll  tell  you  I  wasn't 
born  with  shoes  on." 


92          tEfre  $un 


Before  marriage,  women  wants  tender- 
ness. In  a  little  while  she  is  satisfied 
with  legal  tender. 


PAT — Who  is  heing  lowered  into  a  well; 
"Sthop,  will  ye,  Murphy?  Oi  want  to 
coom  up  again." 

MURPHY — Still  letting  him  down, 
'That  for?" 

PAT — "Oi'll  show  ye.  Af  ye  don't 
sthop  lettin'  me  doon,  Oi'll  cut  the  rope." 


It  is  a  Maine  husband  who  has  dubbed 
his  wife  "Crystal,"  because  she  is  always 
"on  the  watch." 


"So  Maude  is  happily  married?" 

"Happily?  I  should  say  she  is!  Why 
she  married  a  somnambulist,  who  gets  up 
in  his  sleep  every  morning  and  builds  the 
fire."  

Two  Hebrews  went  to  a  Mills  Hotel  and 
were  obliged  to  take  a  bath  before  retir- 
ing. 

Upon  beholding  each  other,  one  shouted 
in  surprise,  "Oh,  Abey,  how  dirty,  you 
are !" 

''Veil,  what  you  tink  ?"  said  Abey,  "I'm 
three  years  older  dan  you." 


font  goolu  93 


A  teacher  in  a  high  school  asked  a 
little  wad  of  an  Irish  boy  to  describe  a 
lake.  "Sure  and  it  is  hole  in  the  kettle." 


The  first  kiss  only  comes  once  in  a  life- 
time. 

The  trouble  with  the  fellow  who  loses 
his  temper  is  that  he  always  finds  it  again. 

The  man  who  plays  the  bass  drum 
should  have  no  difficulty  in  beating  his 
way. 

An  amateur  performance  for  charity 
demonstrates  that  charity  uncovers  a  mul- 
titude of  sins. 

It  takes  a  musical  crank  to  play  a  hand 
organ. 

It  is  possible  to  square  yourself  with- 
out resorting  to  cube  root. 

While  some  people  mount  upward  to 
the  pinnacle  of  fame,  others  reach  the 
height  of  folly. 

A  faint  heart  may  never  win  a  fair 
lady,  but  five  of  them  have  won  many  a 
jackpot. 


The  portrait  tumbled  from  the  wall 

And  hit  the  young  man's  head. 
"A  striking  likeness !"    That  was  all 
The  rueful  punster  eaid. 


94          3Efte  ffiun 


The  fact  that  a  man  has  not  cut  his 
hair  for  ten  or  twelve  years  need  not  nec- 
essarily imply  that  he  is  eccentric.  He 
may  be  bald. 

When  a  couple  are  about  to  elope  the 
young  man  asks,  "Does  your  mother 
know  your  route?" 

"I  will  not  sit  that  way!"  angrily 
screamed  the  obstinate  lady  in  the  photo- 
grapher's gallery.  "I  can't,  and  I  won't; 
so  there!" 

''Madame,"  said  the  photographer,  "it 
will  be  impossible  for  me  to  make  a  good 
negative  of  you  unless  you  quit  being  so 
positive." 

An  Irishman  in  order  to  celebrate  the 
advent  of  a  new  era,  went  out  on  a  lark. 
He  didn't  get  home  till  3  o'clock  in  the 
morning,  and  was  barely  in  the  house  be- 
fore a  nurse  rushed  up  and,  uncovering  a 
bunch  of  soft  goods,  showed  him  triplets. 
The  Irishman  looked  up  at  the  clock 
which  said  3,  then  at  the  three  of  a  kind 
in  the  nurse's  arms,  and  said:  "O'im  not 
superstitious,  but  thank  Hivins  thot  Oi 
didn't  come  home  at  twilve!" 


$un  ffoofe.          95 


"Good  gracious,"  said  the  hen  when 
she  discovered  a  porcelain  egg  on  the 
nest.  "I  shall  be  a  bricklayer  next." 

"Are  you,  intimate  with  any  of  the 
nobility?"  asked  Chippy.  ''Well,  rather!" 
replied  Clubdoodle.  "I  got  a  queen  full 
last  night,  and  had  a  high  old  time  with 
four  kings."  - 

Electricity  is  a  great  educator.  Think 
what  it  has  done  to  make  men  see  things 
in  a  new  light. 


"Will  the  coming  man  use  both  arms?" 
asks  a  scientist.  "Yes,  if  he  can  trust  the 
girl  to  handle  the  reins." 


"I  hear  Smith,  the  sea  captain,  is  in 
hard  luck.  He  married  a  girl  and  she 
ran  away  from  him." 

"Yes,  he  took  her  for  a  mate,  but  she 
was  a  skipper." 

Another  great  discovery  of  diamonds 
io  Kentucky !  A  man  got  five  of  them  on 
the  first  deal.  

"What  makes  so  much  froth  in  a  glass 
of  beer,  pa?" 

"The  barkeep,  my  son." 


96 


MOSES  SCHAUMBUEG  (to  his  son 
Jackey) — "How  many  are  twice  two, 
Jackey  ?" 

JACKET — "Tervice  two  ish  six." 

"You  are  wrong,  Jackey.  Six  vas  too 
mooch." 

"Don't  I  know  dot,  fadder,  already 
some  times  ago.  But  I  shoot  said  six  so 
dot  you  could  Chew  me  down." 


"Pis  now  the  wily  urchin  mocks 
The  lynx-eyed  cop  along  the  docks, 
And  plunges  in  the  cooling  tide, 
Arrayed  in  naught  else  but  his  hide. 


Everybody  knows  a  woman  is  hard  to 
please.  She  likes  the  matrimonial  har- 
ness, but  doesn't  like  to  be  hitched  up 
with  a  man  who  is  strapped. 


"I    wonder    why    blondes    are    always 
anxious  to  be  wedded?" 

"I  guess  it  is  because  they're  naturally 
light-headed." 

Each  evening  a  good-looking  Mr. 
Comes  around  for  a  visit  to  my  Sr. ; 
One  night  on  the  stairs, 
He,  all  unawares, 
Put  his  arm  round  her  figure  and  Kr. 


tEfje  j)tm  goofe.  97 

"Do  you  know  the  nature  of  an  oath, 
ma'am?"  inquired  the  judge.  ''Well,  I 
reckon  I  orter,"  was  the  reply.  "My  hus- 
band drives  a  canal  boat." 


BROWN — Young  Dudel's  body  has  been 
recovered.  "Why,  I  didn't  know  he  had 
been  drowned."  "He  hasn't.  He  merely 
bought  a  new  suit  of  clothes." 

"Yes,  I  have  seen  the  day  when  Mr. 

Hart  the  millionaire,  did  not  have  a  pair 

of  shoes  to  cover  his  feet." 
"And  when  was  that,  pray?" 
"At  the  time  he  was  bathing." 

"Widowhood  makes  a  woman  unsel- 
fish." "Why  so?"  "Because  she  ceases 
to  look  out  for  Number  One  and  begins 
to  look  out  for  Number  Two." 


The  judge  asked  an  Irish  policeman 
named  O'Connell,  "When  did  you  last  see 
your  sister?"  The  policeman  replied: 
"The  last  time  I  saw  her,  Judge,  was 
about  eight  months  ago,  when  she  called 
at  my  home,  and  I  was  out."  "Then  you 
did  not  see  her  on  that  occasion?"  "No, 
Judge;  I  wasn't  there." 


98  fcfte  fftm 


If  Broomstick,  as  rumored,  is  in  a  wo- 
man's hands,  he  may  be  booked  to  beat 
the  favorite. 

Torchlight  and  Igniter,  coupled  should 
prove  a  red  hot  combination,  but  with 
Extinguisher  in  the  race  might  not  bring 
in  any  money  to  burn. 

Animosity  evidently  has  it  in  for  some 
of  the  others. 

Surmise  ought  to  keep  a  lot  of  them 
guessing. 


BROWN — (What  kind  of  a  cigar  is  that, 

old  man? 

JONES— It's  called  "The  Soldier  Boy." 
BEOWN — H'm.     I  notice  it  belongs  to 

the  ranks. 


"Can  I  sell  you  a  nice  cheap  trunk  to- 
day?" asked  a  dealer. 

"And  what  the  dickens  do  Oi  be  after 
wantin'  a  thrunk?" 

"To  put  your  clothes  in,  of  course!" 

"And  go  naked?    Not  a  bit  iv  it!" 

We  are  told  that  "Gen.  Sherman  was 
always  coolest  when  on  the  point  of  at- 
tack." Most  people  are  hottest  when  on 
the  point  of  a  tack. 


fftm  goofe.  99 


"I  wish  the  hot  weather  would  come 
along,"  sighed  the  thermometer.  "Peo- 
ple are  beginning  to  look  upon  me  as  a 
thing  of  low  degree." 


"I  wouldn't  stand  for  that  if  I  were  you. 
Why  don't  you  call  him  a  liar?" 

"That's  just  what  I'll  do.  Where, 
where  is  your  telephone?" 

"This,"  murmured  the  demure  maiden, 
when  her  lover  nudged  up  still  closer  on 
the  sofa,  "is  the  closest  call  I've  ever  had." 


The  rapidity  of  ocean  transport  is  be- 
coming truly  marvelous.  A  sea  captain 
boasts  that  he  finished  loading  a  cargo  of 
wheat  at  San  Francisco  by  dinner  time, 
and  then  went  to  China  for  tea. 

"You  are  making  yourself  rather  offi- 
cious in  this  crowd,"  said  a  burly  police- 
man to  a  notorious  pickpocket.  "I  am 
only  trying  to  dis-purse  them,"  said  the 
thief. 


The  slats  of  the  shutter  of  our  office- 
window  are  in  a  dilapidated  condition. 
"Please  help  the  blind." 


100         tCfre  ffim  jBoofe. 

"Did  you  ever  catch  your  husband 
flirting?" 

"Yes;  thafs  the  very  way  I  did  catch 
him." 


fA  deaf  and  dumb  mute  recently  went 
into  a  bicycle  shop  and  picked  up  a  hub 
and  spoke. 

The  girl  who  marries  a  title  very  fre- 
quently turns  her  fortune  to  a  count. 

There  appears  to  be  no  affinity  between 
the  prestidigitator  and  the  theatrical  man- 
ager, yet  they  both  make  passes. 


We  don't  always  know  just  how  the 
"other  half"  lives;  but,  in  Chicago,  the 
"better  half"  lives  on  her  alimony. 


"What  did  de  lady  do  when  yer  asked 
her  for  an  old  collar?" 
"She  gave  me  a  turndown." 


"Are  any  of  the  colors  discernible  to 
the  touch?"  asked  the  school  teacher. 

"I  have  often  felt  blue,"  replied  the 
boy  at  the  head  of  the  class. 


$tm  jfaoiu          101 


"No,  seat,  no  pay  !"  the  people  cry 

Along  the  Elevated,, 
And  stand  upon  the  law  by  which 

The  company  was  created. 

The  railway  rulers  promise  much 
To  settle  these  dissensions, 

And  every  promise  proves  that  "L" 
Is  paved  with  good  intentions. 


Woman  with  satchel  enters  car,  sits 
down. 

Enters  conductor,  asks  fare. 

Woman  opens  satchel,  takes  out  purse, 
shuts  satchel,  opens  purse,  takes  out  dime, 
shuts  purse,  opens  satchel,  puts  in  purse, 
shuts  satchel. 

Offers  dime,  receives  nickel. 

Opens  satchel,  takes  out  purse,  shuts 
satchel,  opens  purse,  puts  in  nickel,  closes 
purse,  opens  satchel,  puts  in  purse,  closes 
satchel. 

Stop  the  car,  please. 


A  baby  is  good  stock  on  hand,  but  it 
makes  bills  payable  and  figures  largely  in 
the  profit  and  loss  account. 


Don't  pick  a  quarrel  before  it  is  ripe. 


102         gEfre  jgun  goofe. 

HABDY— Why  do  they  call  that  Pull- 
man porter  doctor? 

FISH — Why,  because  he  has  attended 
so  many  berths. 

"Mother  may  I  go  out  to  swim?" 
"No,  my  darling  daughter — 

Keep  your  clothes  on  your  hickory  limb; 

Then  nobody5!!  know  you've  got  her." 

What  do  you  think,  I  let  my  watch 
drop  in  the  water  and  it  never  stopped 
running. 

"Well,  maybe  it  is  used  to  being  in 
soak?  No,  I  think  the  mainspring  was 
dry. 


"Do  you  use  each  of  those  four  mallets 
in  the  course  of  your  work?"  asked  a 
wag  of  a  cooper. 

"Yes  sir,  I  do." 

"Then  it  can  be  remarked  that  while 
your  occupation  is  not  conducted  strictly 
according  to  etiquette,  there  is  much  f  our- 
mallet-y  about  it." 


"A  coal  stove  is  a  cast-iron  paradox. 
It  won't  burn  unless  you  put  it  up ;  then 
it  won't  burn  unless  you  shake  it  down. 


$un  jfoofe.          103 


UNCLE  FRED  —  Why,  my  girl,  you've 
grown  like  a  cucumber  vine!  What  pro- 
gress are  you  making  towards  matri- 
mony? 

CLARA  —  Well,  uncle,  Fm  on  my  fifth 

lap. 

i  _ 

"Remember,"  said  the  teacher,  "that 
no  man  ever  left  this  earth  and  re- 
turned." 

"There  was  one,"  spoke  up  a  small  boy. 

"Who  was  he?" 

"Santos  Dumont." 


SMITH — Most  things  that  are  bought 
go  to  the  buyer. 

JONES — Yes,  all  except  coal ;  that  goes 
to  the  cellar. 


An  Irishman,  having  gone  out  in  his 
night-gown  on  a  bitter  cold  night  to  stop 
the  howling  of  a  dog,  was  found  by  his 
wife,  almost  paralyzed  with  cold,  holding 
the  struggling  dog  by  the  tail.  "Howley 
Mother,  Pat,"  says  she,  "what  would  ye 
be  afther  doin?" 

"Hush,"  said  Pat,  "don't  ye  see  O'im 
trying  to  fraze  the  baste?" 


104         tEfre  ffim 


"Another  tragedy,"  said  the  cynic,  as 
shrill  shrieks  arose  from  the  ruined  cis- 
tern. "I  suppose  there  is  a  woman  at  the 
bottom  of  it." 


"What  do  you  think?  My  sister  is 
married." 

"Well  for  Goodness  sake!  who  married 
her?" 

"Why,  the  clergyman  of  course." 


The  ladies — bless  'em — it  beats  all! 

When  they  are  young  and  squallers, 
Their  hearts  are  sets  upon  the  doll — 

When  grown,  upon  the  dollars. 


"Well,  darling,  what  was  the  text?" 
I'm    not    quite    sure,    papa,    but    it 

sounded  like,  'Many  are  Cold,  but  Few 

are  Frozen.' " 


"Charley,  dear,"  said  young  Mrs. 
Jones,  "I  have  such  a  bargain !" 

"Indeed?" 

"Yes;  you  told  me  that  blue  poker 
chips  were  worth  a  dollar  apiece,  and  I 
got  a  whole  lot  of  them  for  seventy-five 
cents  at  a  sale." 


105 


AGNES  —  My  right  cheek  burns  so  ;  what 
can  I  do  to  stop  it? 
LUCY  —  Tell  Jack  to  shave  oftener. 


Sam  Short  was  so  fond  of  Welsh  rare-hit 
That  his  taste  led  him  into  the  hare-bit 

Of  spending  his  days 

Near  the  doors  of  caf eys, 
And  when  he  would  see  one  he'd  grare- 
bit. 


How  is  that;  you  weren't  drowned  last 
week  when  you  fell  overboard,  you  can't 
swim? 

No,  I  had  on  a  pair  of  duck  pants. 


Doctors  are  like  cockroaches.  When  you 
once  get  them  into  the  house,  it  is  terribly 
difficult  to  get  them  out  again. 


Fogg  says  his  sister  Ann  will  talk  cul- 
ture till  he  falls  asleep.  He  says  she  is 
a  sort  of  Ann  aesthetic. 


"I'm  afraid  the  bed  is  not  long  enough 
for  you,"  said  the  landlord  to  a  seven- 
foot  guest. 

"Never  mind,"  he  replied;  'Til  add 
two  more  feet  to  it  when  I  get  in." 


106         lEfyl&m  jfoofe. 

"I  never  could  see  why  they  always 
called  a  boat  'she.' " 

"Evidently  you)  have  never  tried  to 
steer  one." 


"Did  you  hear  that  there  was  a  skele- 
ton in  Smith's  family?"  asked  Jones. 

"You  don't  say  so !"  exclaimed  his  wife. 
"Where?" 

"Inside  of  Smith  of  course." 


A  young  woman  who  married  a  one- 
legged  man  says  it  doesn't  take  much  to 
make  her  husband  hopping  mad. 


"What  was  the  trouble?" 
"He  couldn't  swim." 
"What  has  that  to  do  with  his  failure  ?" 
"He  got  into  a  company  where  the  stock 
was  all  water." 


"It  takes  Tom  a  day  and  a  night  to 
tell  a  story." 

"He'd  make  a  good  bookkeeper,  I 
should  think." 

"Why?" 

"Never  short  in  hia  account." 


gun  goofe.          107 


JOHN  —  Why  is  a  woman's  heart  like 
an  umbrella?" 

BELLE  —  I'm  sure  I  don't  know. 

"Because  it  is  not  considered  any  harm 
to  steal  it." 


"Cheer  up,  friend,"  said  the  parson  to 
the  dying  editor,  "you  have  a  bright  fu- 
ture before  you." 

"That's  whaf  s  bothering  me,  "  gasped 
the  editor,  "I  can  see  it  blazing." 

ME.  SCHMIDT — "I  don't  feel  preddy 
well,  Hans.  I  haf  a  horse  in  my  throat." 

HANS — "Dot  'horse'  is  nod  right.  You 
mean  you  have  a  'colt  in  your  hedt.' " 


A  green  Irishman  was  sent  by  his  em- 
ployer to  take  charge  of  a  Jewish  funeral, 
and  upon  making  his  report  to  his  "Boss," 
Pat  says: 

"Thaf  s  a  curious  custom  the  Jews  have 
of  placing  a  $20  gold  piece  in  the  right 
hand  of  the  corpse." 

"Why,  that  is  to  pay  his  way  over  the 
river  Jordan." 

"Well,"  says  Pat,  "if  thaf  s  the  case 
that  Hebrew  will  have  to  swim,  because 
I  swiped  the  $20." 


108         ftfte  ffim  goofe. 

Now  in  the  parlor  meet  the  pair, 
When  the  golden  day  is  done; 

Two  forms  with  but  one  easy  chair, 
Two  hearts  that  beat  as  one. 


"What  do  you  think  of  this  scheme  of 
telegraphing  without  wires?" 

"That's  nothing  new.  My  wife  has 
kicked  my  sins  under  the  table  for  twenty 
years." 

A  tramp  rang  a  doctor's  doorbell,  and 
asked  the  pretty  woman  who  opened  the 
door  if  she  would  be  so  kind  as  to  ask 
the  doctor  if  he  had  a  pair  of  old  trousers 
he  would  kindly  give  away.  "I'm  the 
doctor,"  said  the  smiling  young  woman, 
and  the  tramp  nearly  fainted. 


"When  Mr.  Casey  died  he  left  all  he 
had  to  an  orphan  asylum." 

"Indeed !  That  was  nice  of  him.  What 
did  he  leave?" 

"His  twelve  children." 

There  once  was  a  wary  prof. 

Who  captured  a  youthful  trans. 
He  said,  "Son,  don't  lie — 
Aren't  you  stealing  pie?" 

But  the  lad  said,  "I'm  not  a  conf ." 


ffim  goolu          109 


"What  is  there  about  betting  on  horse- 
races that  is  so  bad  for  the  health?"  said 
young  Mrs.  Brown. 

"I  never  heard  of  anything,"  answered 
the  visitor. 

"Didn't  you?  Every  time  Charley 
makes  a  bet  he  comes  home  and  says  there 
is  something  wrong  with  his  system." 


"Jackson  never  lights  one  of  his  cigars. 
Just  keeps  it  in  his  mouth  and  chews  the 
end.  I've  often  wondered  why." 

"You  wouldn't  if  you  had  ever  smoked 
one  of  them." 


Jones    the    dentist,    ought   to  make  a 
good  poker  player. 
Why? 
He  draws  and  fills  so  well. 


Customer  (to  the  coal  dealer) :  "Have 
you  got  any  name  for  those  scales  of 
yours  ?" 

"I  never  heard  of  scales  having  a 
name." 

"Well,  you  ought  to  call  your  scales 
Ambush.  You  see,  they  are  always  ly- 
ing in  weight." 


110         ffibe  ffim 


FIRST  SENIOR  —  Heard  about  Exsheff? 
He  went  down  into  South  Africa,  and  he's 
come  home  a  regular  repository  of  Zulu 
spearheads  and  Boer  bullets. 

SECOND  SENIOR  —  I  always  said  he  had 
good  metal  in  him. 


"What  makes  your  sister  so  stout  now, 
she  used  to  be  very  thin  ?" 

"She's  working  down  in  a  photogra- 
pher's." 

"Why,  how  does  that  make  any  differ- 
ence?" 

"Well,  she's  ia  the  developing  room 
most  of  the  time." 


JACK — "Are  you  a    suitor    for 
Juliefs  hand?" 

TOM— "Yes;   but  I  didn't" 
"Didn't  what?" 
"Suit  her." 


"Whafs  the  matter  with  Smith?" 

"Why?" 

"He  goes  along""  as  abstractedly  as 
though  he  were  drunk  and  were  seeing 
double." 

"He  is.    They  have  twins  at  his  home." 


1M 


Business  men  who  marry  their  type- 
writer girls  are  apt  to  find  that  the  young 
women  are  not  BO  ready  to  submit  to  dic- 
tation after  the  wedding. 


The  first  impulse  of  the  young  married 
man,  on  being  presented  with  his  first 
baby,  is  to  give  it  a-weigh. 

MRS.  B. — Have    you    seen  the  new 
dance  called  "The  Automobile?" 

MR.  B. — No;  sort  of  breakdown,  I  sup- 
pose? 

A  young  lady  in  Philadelphia  is  said 
to  have  had  five  lovers,  all  named  Samuel. 
Her  photograph  album  must  be  a  book  of 
Sams. 

"You  should  sleep  on  your  right  side, 
madam." 

"I  really  can't  do  it,  doctor;  my  hus- 
band talks  in  his  sleep,  and  I  can't  hear 
a  thing  with  my  left  ear." 


There  is  a  Presbyterian  in  Jersey  City 
so  openly  opposed  to  baptism  by  immer- 
sion that  he  refuses  to  carry  a  Waterbury 
watch. 


112         3Efre  ffun  ffoofe. 

The  following  is  a  resolution  of  an 
Irish  corporation:  "That  a  new  jail 
should  be  built,  that  this  be  done  out  of 
the  material  of  the  old  one,  and  the  old 
jail  to  be  used  until  the  new  one  be  com- 
pleted." 


City  Niece — "The  windows  in  our  new 
church  are  stained/' 

Country  Aunt — "Ain't  that  a  pity. 
Can't  they  get  nothing  to  take  it  off?" 


Broker — "Don't    you  find  it  easier  to 
shave  some  men  than  others?" 
Barber— "Yes;  don't  you?" 


"Say  Dad,  what  is  an  expert  account- 
tant?" 

"An  expert  accountant,"  replied  the 
father,  "is  a  man  who  becomes  famous  by 
robbing  a  bank  for  two  years  before  he  is 
discovered." 


Some  men  get  up  with  the  lark,  while 
others  want  a  swallow  the  first  thing  in 
the  morning. 


HE — Time  and  tide  wait  for  no  man. 
SHE — No,  but  a  woman  will. 


j)un  gSoofe.          113 


Sing  not  to  me  of  falling  dew 
Upon  the  purple  hills, 
For  I  am  worried  far  too  much 
By  falling  due  of  bills. 


"You    say    his    wife's  a  brunette? 
thought  he  married  a  blonde." 
"He  did,  but  she  dyed." 


"Miss  Prim  is  a  very  proper  young 
lady." 

"Yes;  she  wouldn't  even  accompany  a 
young  man  on  the  piano  without  a  chap- 
eron." 


"He's  quite  a  star  as  an  after  dinner 
speaker,  isn't  he?" 

"Star?  He's  a  regular  moon.  He  be- 
comes brighter  the  fuller  he  gets." 

DICK — Do  you  think  you'll  have  much 
trouble  in  popping  the  question?" 

TOM — "No,  I  think  I'll  have  more  trou- 
ble in  questioning  the  pop." 

What  do  you  think  of  Windig? 

He  reminds  me  of  a  river. 

What's  the  answer? 

The  biggest  part  of  him  is  his  mouth. 


114          tEfrc  gun  ffoofe. 

Here  is  a  chestnut  your  ire  arouses, 
So  often  if  s  brought  to  your  minds, 

"People  who  live  in  glass  houses" 

Should  always  "pull  down  the  blinds." 


"Yes,  the  team  is  quite  a  good  one,  Mr. 
Horsley,"  he  said  as  he  returned  the  liv- 
ery man's  brag  team,  "but  it  has  two 
drawbacks/'  "Oh,  indeed;  and  may  I 
inquire  what  they  are?"  "The  lines." 


The  old  lady  who  sent  as  presents  to  a 
newly-married  couple  a  rolling-pin,  a  pain 
of  flat-irons  and  a  motto  inscribed  "Fight 
On,"  must  have  a  grudge  against  them. 


A  man  who  had  not  the  best  reputa- 
tion for  strict  veracity  died  the  other  day, 
and  the  family  was  greatly  incensed  be- 
cause some  well-meaning  friends  sent  in 
a  broken  lyre  as  a  floral  tribute. 


"If  s  been  a  coal  day  when  you're  left," 
said  the  kindling-wood  to  the  cinder^ 
"You're  too  chip-per,"  replied  the  cinder 
to  the  kindling  wood.  "Go  to  blazes," 
said  the  match,  as  it  dropped  in  and  fired, 
both  up. 


ffitn  Itook          115 


"That  young  gentleman  has  a  very  tak- 
ing manner/'  said  one  young  lady  to  an- 
other at  a  party,  of  a  young  man  who  had 
just  left  them. 

"Yes,"  was  the  reply,  "that's  his  busi- 
ness." 

"His  business?    What  is  he?" 

"A  photographer." 

KID  —  Did  the  dogs  ever  bite  you? 

GENT  —  What  dogs? 

KID  —  The  dogs  you  ran  after.  Pa  was 
telling  Ma  that  you  used  to  chase  tha 
growler  when  he  first  knew  you.- 


GUARD — I  suppose  when  you  were  in 
the  army  you  often  saw  a  picket  fence? 

G.  A.  R. — Yes,  but  is  was  a  more  com- 
mon sight  to  see  a  sentry  box. 


A  simple  old  farmer,  McVeagh, 
Whom  every  one  said  was  a  jeagh, 
Fell  in  with  a  man 
On  the  confidence  plan, 
And  now  he  is  back  making  heagh. 

"Why,  the  bare  idea !" 
"Of  what,  dear?" 
"Telling  the  naked  truth !" 


116         3Efre  fftm  ffoofe. 

BESS — May  wears  the  worst  clothes 
when  she  is  riding  horseback.  Look  at 
her  now ! 

FEED — That  certainly  is  one  of  her  bad 
habits. 


"That,"  said  the  loaf,  pointing  to  the 
oven,  "is  where  I  was  bred." 


FIEGT  FLY — Did  it  ever  occur  to  you 
the  baldheaded  men  have  a  keener  sense 
of  humor  than  others? 

SECOND  FLY — Well,  I  have  noticed 
that  they  seem  to  be  easily  tickled. 


The  rubber  plant  was  rubb'ring  round 

In  a  manner  most  absurd: 
The  long  green  corn  prickled  up  her  ears 

And  this  is  what  she  heard: 

"Wot's  tomato  wid  you,  you  beat?" 
Asked  the  onion  of  the  hash, 

"I'm  jealous  of  the  potato, 
Because  he's  got  a  mash. 

"He  is  stuck  on  the  honeycomb, 

And  suits  her  to  a  tea, 
I  used  to  be  in  love  myself, 

But  the  cream  has  soured  on  me." 


(Efre  gun  ffoofe.          1 1 7 

"Why  do  you  call  your  dog  hardware? 
"Because  when  I  go  to  whip  him  he 
makes  a  bolt  for  the  door." 


HUSBAND — That  ice    box  of  ours  re- 
minds me  of  a  good  pinochle  player. 
WIFB— Why? 
HUSBAND — Because  it  is  a  great  melter. 

He:    Do  you  know,  dear,  you  remind 
me  of  Huyler's  candy. 

She:  Why?  Because  I  am  "so  sweet?" 
He :  No !   "Fresh  every  hour." 


LANDLADY  (proudly) — Nothing  goes 
to  waste  in  this  house.  I  make  hash  out 
of  everything  that's  left  over. 

BOARDER —  (musingly) — But  what  do 
you  do  with  the  hash  that's  left  over?" 

LANDLADY — Re-hash  it! 


"If,"  said  the  druggist,  "you  will  give 
this  new  tonic  a  trial  I'm  sure  you  will 
never  use  any  other." 

"Excuse  me,"  rejoined  the  customer, 
"but  I  prefer  something  less  fatal." 


118 


"Do  you    know,  George,  Papa  thinks 

you  are  a  literary  man." 

'"Where  did  he  get  that  idea?" 

"I  don't  know,  but  he  said  you  looked 

just  like  a  bookmaker." 


STUDENT — Professor,  which  is  the  log- 
ical way  of  reaching  a  conclusion? 

PROFESSOR — Take  a  train  of  thought, 
my  boy. 


SMITH — They  say  that  after  a  time  the 
engineer  of  a  limited  flyer  loses  his  nerve. 

JONES — The  engineer,  perhaps,  but  not 
the  Pullman  porter ! 


"What  do  you  mean  by  referring  to  Miss 
Elderly  as  a  pall-bearer?" 

"She  sits  around  all  day  long  with  a 
green  parrot  on  her  shoulder.  I  don't 
like  such  Poll-bearers." 

COURTNEY — When  you  proposed  to 
Miss  Dexter  did  you  get  down  on  your 
knees  ? 

BARCLAY — No,  I  couldn't;  she  was  sit- 
ting on  them. 


flun  jfoofe,  1  19 


KICKSY  —  Wife,  can  you  tell  me  why  I 
am  like  a  hen? 

MRS.  KICKST  —  No,  dear,  why  is  it? 

KICKSY  —  Because  I  can  seldom  find 
anything  where  I  laid  it  yesterday. 


"Did  you  ever  hear  about  the  two  holes 
in  our  back-yard?" 
"Well!    Well!" 


"Old  Jones  was  killed  last  night  by  a 
dew-drop." 

"Must  have  been  a  very  heavy  one." 

"About  four  hundred  tons." 

"Horrible !" 

"You  see  he  was  standing  under  the 
trestle,  and  a  freight  train  ran  off  the 
track  and  dropped  on  him." 

"But  how  about  the  dew?" 

"Why,  the  train  was  due !" 


FIRST  DOCTOR — Well,  doctor,  I  had  a 
peculiar  case  to-day. 

SECOND  DOCTOR — What  was  it,  please? 

FIRST  DOCTOR — I  attended  a  grass 
widow  who  is  afflicted  with  hay  fever. 


120         tEfre  gun  jBoofe. 

FRED — Did  you  hear  of  The  Western 
Furniture  Co.  advertising  for  models. 
DICK— What  for? 
FRED — To  try  on  Parlor  suits. 


"Yes,  there  is  one  part  of  the  dough- 
nut that  wouldn't  give  you  dyspepsia." 
"And  what  part  is  that?" 
"The  hole  in  the  middle!" 


FANNIE  —  Why  do  people  always  apply 
the  name  of  "she"  to  a  city? 

GEORGE  —  I  don't  know.    Why  is  it? 

FANNIE  —  Because  every  city  has  out- 
skirts. 


"And  you  really  believe  that  Friday  is 
an  unlucky  day?" 

"I  know  it  is." 

"Washington  was  horn  on  Friday,  and 
so  was  Napoleon  and  Tennyson  and  Glad- 
stone." 

"Yes,  and  every  mother's  son  of  them 
is  dead !" 


"Are  you  an  amateur  photographer?" 
"No.    Why  do  you  ask  ?" 
"Oh,  I  heard  that  you  got  Miss  Eox's 
negative  last  night." 


fftm  gook.          121 


Pat  and  Mike  each  wanted  to  be  first 
up  on  St.  Patrick's  Day. 

PAT—  "If  I'm  up  first  I'll  make  a  chalk 
mark  on  the  door." 

MIKE  —  "And  if  I  get  up  first  I'll  rub 
it  out!" 


SIBLT — When  Steve  proposed  to  me  he 
acted  like  a  fish  out  of  water. 

TIRPIE — Why  shouldn't  he?  He  knew 
he  was  caught. 


SHE — Why  do  they  call  it  an  arm  of 
the  sea? 

HE — Because  it  hugs  the  shore,  I  guess. 


The  sunshine  warm  and  budding  trees, 
Made  Johnny  feel  quite  gay. 

He  went  to  swim — the  obsequies 
Are  being  held  to-day. 


"What's  the  matter,  John?  You  look 
kind  o'  weather-beaten  this  morning." 

"That's  exactly  what  I  am.  I  bet  five 
dollars  it  would  rain  yesterday,  and  it 
didn't!" 


122          tEfre  jgtm  jfoolu 

"Can  you  swim,  little  boy?" 
"Yes,  sir." 

"Where  did  you  learn?" 
"In  the  water,  sir." 


MILLIE — "I  wonder  what  the  holes  in 
a  porous  plaster  are  for?" 

WILLIE — "Why,  they're  for  the  pain  to 
come  out  through,  of  course!" 


"If  s  a  good  idea  to  make  light  of  your 
troubles."  "I  do,"  replied  Happigo; 
"whenever  a  creditor  sends  me  a  letter  I 
burn  it." 


"What  have  you  got  to  say  for  your- 
self ?"  "Jes  dis,  suh;  I  wants  a  liar  to 
defend  me.y  "You  mean  a  lawyer?" 
"Yes,  suh;  I  knowed  I  most  had  it!" 


"So  her  second  husband  is  a  tenor?" 
"Yes;  she  says  her  first  was  a  bass  de- 
ceiver !" 

"I  cannot  play  second  fiddle  to  any 
one." 
"Then  be  my  beau!" 


fom  ffoolu          123 


JIMSON  —  Now,  you  wouldn't  marry  me, 
would  you? 

Miss  SEARS  —  Most  certainly  not;  but 
why  do  you  ask  such  a  question? 

JIMSON  —  Just  to  decide  a  bet. 


CLARA — "He  gave  me  an  army-and- 
navy  kiss." 

MAUD— "What  kind  is  that?" 
CLARA — "Oh,  rapid  fire — sixty  a  min- 
ute !" 

"Young  man,  don't  you  know  you 
ought  to  lay  something  by  for  a  rainy 
day?  "I  do;  my  rubbers." 


THE  ONLY  EEMEDY. — Mamma,  I  dess 
you'll  have  to  turn  the  hose  on  me." 

"Why,  dear?" 

"  'Tause  I'se  dot  my  'tocking  on  wrong 
side  out." 


HE — "I  saw  you  out  driving  yesterday 
with  a  gentleman.  He  appeared  to  have 
only  one  arm;  is  that  all  he  has?" 

SHE — "Oh,  no;  the  other  arm  was 
around  somewhere." 


124         3Efre  jgun  jBoolu 

"Why  are  pugilists  like  chickens?" 
"Because  they  live  on  'scraps !'  " 


MAY — I  wonder  what  the  men  do  at  the 
club? 

PAMELA — From  what  Jack  says  I  guess 
they  play  with  the  kitty  most  of  the  time. 

SWATTER — I  see  you  are  mentioned  in 
one  of  the  books  just  published. 
PRIMLY — Indeed!  What  book? 
SWATTER — The  directory. 


"Do  you  go  to  church  to  hear  the  ser- 
mon or  the  music,  Maude?"  "I  go  for 
the  hims,"  said  Maud. 


CUSTOMER — Why  do  you  call  this  elec- 
tric cake? 

BAKER'S  BOY — I  'spose  becuz  it  has 
currants  in  it. 


"That  tenor  of  yours  has  a  marvelous 
voice.  He  can  hold  one  of  his  notes  for 
half  a  minute." 

"Shucks !  I've  held  one  of  his  notes  for 
two  years." 


ffiun  ffioofe.          125 


Coleridge,  who  was  a  bad  rider,  was  ac- 
costed when  on  horseback  by  a  wag,  who 
asked  him  if  he  knew  what  happened  to 
Balaam,  "The  same  thing  that  happened 
to  me  —  An  ass  spoke  to  him." 


MOTHER — "What  did  your  father  say 
when  he  saw  his  broken  pipe?"  Innocent 
— "Shall  I  leave  out  the  swear  words, 
mother?"  Mother  —  "Certainly,  my 
dear."  Innocent — "Then  I  don't  think 
he  said  anything." 


"So  you  were  bound  and  gagged  by  ban- 
dits while  in  Italy,  were  you?"  asked  the 
garrulous  person;  "regular  comic-opera 
bandits,  eh?" 

"No  sir,"  said  the  traveler;  "there  was 
nothing  of  the  comic-opera  style  about 
them.  The  gags  they  used  were  all  new." 


An  excellent  reason.  —  Casey — "Oi'll 
wurk  no  more  f  er  thot  men  Dolan."  Mrs. 
Casey— "An'  phwy?"  Casey  —  "Shure, 
t'is  an  account  av  a  remark  thot  he  made 
t'  me."  Mrs.  Casey— "Phwat  did  he  say?" 
Casey — "Sez  he,  Tat,  ye're  discharged.'" 


126         fflfre  gtm  goofe. 

OLD  LADY  (at  a  ball  game) — Why  do 
they  call  that  a  fowl?  I  don't  see  no 
feathers/' 

O'EiLEY — "No  ma'am.  If  s  a  picked 
nine." 


Men  are  deceivers  as  a  rule, 

And  trust  them  far  you  never  can; 
Though  at  confectioner's  sometimes 

You  may  unearth  a  candied  man ! 


A  lady  was  looking  for  her  husband 
and  inquired  anxiously  of  a  housemaid, 
"Do  you  happen  to  know  anything  of 
your  master's  whereabouts  ?" 

"I'm  not  sure,  ma'am,"  replied  the  care- 
ful domestic,  "but  I  think  they  are  in  the 
wash.* 


"Have  you  much  room  in  your  new 
flat?" 

"Room !  Mercy  me,  I  should  think  not. 
Why,  our  kitchen  and  dining-room  are  so 
small  that  we  have  to  use  condensed 
milk." 


gun  ffoofe.  127 


"Couples  making  love  will  beware  of 
the  rubber  plant."  "While  driving 
through  the  park  don't  speak  to  your 
horses.  They  carry  tales."  "All  animals 
are  not  in  cages.  There  are  some  dande- 
lions on  the  lawn." 


She  heard  the  fog-horn  blowing, 
"And  what  is  that?"  quoth  she, 
The  sailor  merrily 

Eeplied :   "it's  just  the  dog-watch,  ma'am, 
Whose  bark  is  on  the  sea. 


"She  thinks  that  her  husband  is  very 
economical." 

"In  what  way?" 

"She  says  that  although  he  is  passion- 
ately fond  of  cloves,  he  never  eats  but  one 
at  a  time/* 


'I  saw  your  sister  on  the  street  to-day." 
:'How  was  she  looking?" 
'I  don't  know.    I  didn't  see  her  face." 
''How  did  you  know  it  was  my  sister?" 
"Oh,  I'm  quick  at  figures." 


128         3Efte  jlun  ffioofe. 

"What  is  the  secret  of  success?"  asked 
the  Sphinx. 

"Push/'  said  the  Button. 

"Never  be  led/'  said  the  Pencil. 

"Take  pains/'  said  the  Window. 

"Always  keep  cool/'  said  the  Ice. 

"Be  up  to  date,"  said  the  Calendar. 

"Never  lose  your  head/'  said  the  Bar- 
rel. 

"Make  light  of  everything/'  said  the 
Fire. 

"Do  a  driving  business,"  said  the  Ham- 
mer. 

"Aspire  to  greater  things/'  said  the 
Nutmeg. 

"Be  sharp  in  all  your  dealings,"  said 
the  Knife. 

"Find  a  good  thing  and  stick  to  it/' 
said  the  Glue. 

"Do  the  work  you  are  suited  for/'  said 
the  Chimney. 


He  kissed  her  on  the  cheek; 

It  seemed  a  harmless  frolic; 
He's  been  laid  up  a  week — 

They  say,  with  painter's  colic. 


ffim  goofe.          129 


Charlemagne  was  in  need  of  amuse- 
ment. 

"Why,"  they  asked  him,  "do  you  have 
such  a  large  number  of  court  jesters  in 
constant  attendance  on  your  royal  per- 
son?" 

"Because,"  he  replied,  with  a  right  re- 
gal chuckle,  "I  could  not  earn  the  sur- 
name of  'The  Great'  were  I  not  careful 
to  keep  my  wits  ahout  me." 

A  certain  young  man  told  his  girl  the 
other  night  that  if  she  didn't  marry  him 
he'd  get  a  rope  and  hang  himself  right  in 
front  of  her  home. 

"Oh,  please  don't  do  it,  Harry,  she  said. 
"You  know  father  doesn't  want  you  hang- 
ing around  here." 

Three  women  may  a  secret  keep 

If,  as  it  has  been  said, 
There's  one  of  the  lot  has  heard  it  not 

And  the  other  two  are  dead. 


Lovett — You  don't  believe  in  divorce, 
then? 

Hater — No,  sir;  I've  got  too  much 
eportin'  blood. 

Lovett — What  has  that  to  do  with  it? 

Hayter — I  believe  in  a  fight  to  the 
fiaish. 


130         gEfre  ffun  ffioofc. 

Lawyer:  "Have  you  conscientious 
scruples  against  serving  as  a  juror  where 
the  penalty  is  death?" 

Boston  Talesman:    "I  have." 
Lawyer:    ''What  is  your  objection?" 
Boston  Talesman:    "I  do  not  desire  to 
die." 

Cohen  left  the  ball-game  because  he 
said  the  umpire  looked  right  at  him  when 
he  called  "three  balls!" 


"A  Maine  dealer  says  he  has  sold  more 
skates  this  season  than  he  has  ever  sold 
before  in  an  entire  season." 

"That  proves  what  I  have  contended 
right  along." 

"What's  that?" 

"That  prohibition  does  not  prohibit." 


Alas,  for  all  their  ecstasy, 
They  knew  not  what  was  best : 

The  young  man  reached  the  front  door, 
The  old  man  did  the  rest. 


"Paw,  can  an  honest  man  play  poker?" 
"Yes,  Tommy;    but  he  can't  win  any- 
thing." 


ffioofr.  131 


If  Pearl  Street  is  crooked; 
Is  Union  Square? 

"Why  so  glum,  Blumly  ?  Anything  gone 
wrong  ?" 

"Yes,  Fve  just  lost  two  of  my  best 
friends/' 

"By  death  or  marriage?" 

"Neither  I  loaned  them  money. 


Little  Mary,  quite  contrary, 
How  does  your  appetite  grow? 

Lobsters  and  quail,  champagne  in  a  pail, 
And  a  "friend"  to  supply  all  the  dough ! 

HE — Then  I  am  to  understand  that 
you  have  given  me  the  mitten,  as  it  were  ? 

SHE — You  have  said  it. 

HE — And  is  this  all? 

SHE — Of  course  it  is.  What  more  do 
you  want — a  pair  of  socks? 


"Hey,  boy,  where's  your  brother?" 

"In  the  barn,  shoein'  horses." 

"Where's  your  mother?" 

"In  the  back  yard,  shooin'  chickens." 

"Where's  your  father?" 

"In  the  hammock,  shooin'  flies." 


132          tEfrt  gun 


"Harold  !"  began  his  wife,  in  a  furious 
temper,  "my  mind  is  made  up  -  " 

"Mercy!"  interrupted  her  husband;  "is 
that  so?  I  had  hoped  that  your  mind,  at 
least,  was  your  own  !" 


CUSTOMER:  "You  have  a  sign  in  your 
window,  *A  suit  of  clothes  made  while  you 
wait/  Do  you  really  do  that?" 

TAILOR:  "Yes,  sir.  You  leave  your 
order,  with  a  deposit,  and  then  go  home 
and  wait  till  the  garments  are  finished." 


"Mother,  may  I  go  out  to  wheel?" 

"Yes,  my  darling  daughter; 
I    suppose,  of    course,  you    won't    wear 
skirts, 

Although  I  think  you  oughter." 


LADY — What!  You  here  again?  I 
don't  believe  you  have  done  a  thing  all 
Summer. 

TRAMP — You  do  me  an  injustice,  mum. 
I  jist  finished  doin'  thirty  days. 


ffun  goofe.  133 


"Betty,  why  do  you  sit  up  at  this  hour 
of  the  night  darning  your  stockings?" 
said  mother,  sharply;  "don't  you  know 
it's  12  o'clock?" 

"Oh,  yes,"  laughed  Betty,  "but  it's 
never  too  late  to  mend!" 


"Now,  why,"  remarked  the  little  dog,  in 
speaking  to  the  tree, 

"Would  you  say  that  the  heart  of  you  ia 
like  the  tail  of  me?" 

The  tree  gave  the  conundrum  up.  Tho 
pup,  with  wisdom  dark, 

Explained  the  matter  saying,  "It  is  far- 
thest from  the  bark." 

BUTCHER — I  need  a  boy  about  your 
size,  and  will  give  you  $1  a  week. 

APPLICANT — Will  I  have  a  chance  to 
rise? 

BUTCHER — Yes ;  I  want  you  to  be  here 
at  four  o'clock  in  the  morning. 


A  prominent  man  called  to  condone 
with  a  lady  on  the  death  of  her  husband, 
and  concluded  by  saying,  "Did  he  leave 
you  much?" 

"Nearly  every  night,"  was  the  reply. 


134         tEfre  ffitm 


Bill  had  a  billboard.  Bill  also  had  a 
board  bill.  The  board  bill  bored  Bill  so 
that  Bill  sold  the  billboard  to  pay  hi.s 
board  bill.  So,  after  Bill  sold  his  bill- 
board to  pay  his  board  bill,  the  board  bill 
no  longer  bored  Bill. 


TOMMY — Pa,  did  yon  really  mean  it 
when  you  said  you'd  spank  anyone  that 
broke  that  vase? 

PA — Just  come  here,  sir,  and  I'll  show 
you. 

TOMMY — Don't  show  me.  Show  Brid- 
get; she  just  broke  it. 


"Here  lies  poor  Sam :  and  what  is  strangft, 
Grim    death    has    worked    in  him   a 
change — 

He  always  lied  and  always  will, 

He  once  lied  loud  and  now  lies  still." 


"I'd  like  to  see  your  mistress.  Is  she 
engaged  ?" 

"Lord,  sir!  she's  married;  been  mar-- 
ried  for  twenty  years." 


ftfre  jpun  ffoofc          135 

BROWN — I  hear  that  they  use  all  sorts 
of  materials  in  the  manufacture  of  il- 
1  van  mating  gas,  nowadays. 

JONES — True.  They  even  make  light 
of  the  consumer's  complaints. 


"Me  eyes  is  crossed,"  sighed  Kate.  "No, 
love, 

"Not  crossed,"  cried  Pat.  "Be  jaber, 
'Tis  jist  that  aich  is  jealous  of 

The  beauty  av  its  neighbor." 


The  other  day  the  head  of  a  boarding- 
school  noticed  one  of  the  boys  wiping  his 
knife  on  the  table-cloth,  and  pounced  on 
him  at  once. 

"Is  that  what  you  do  at  home?"  he 
asked  indignantly. 

"Oh,  no,"  answered  the  boy  quickly, 
"we  have  clean  knives." 


JOHN — Say,  do  you  want  to  get  next  to 
a  scheme  for  making  money  fast?" 
TOM — Sure  I  do. 
JOHN — Glue  it  to  the  floor. 


136          Oft*  ffim 


"Pa,"  said  little  Willie,  who  had  been 
reading  a  treatise  on  phrenology,  "what 
is  a  bump  of  destructiveness  ?" 

"Why  —  er  —  a  railroad  collision,  I  sup- 
pose/' 

He  always  kneeled  before  the  maid 
And  kissed  her  finger  tips; 

But  he  lost  out.    Another  man 
Came  by  and  kissed  her  lips. 

"Charley,  dear,"  said  young  Mrs.  Tor- 
kins,  "I  hope  you  are  not  going  into  poli- 
tics." 

"What  made  you  think  of  that?" 
"I  heard  you  talking  in  your  sleep  about 
'standing  pat.'  >: 


A  man  and  his  bride  by  the  parson  were 
tied, 

And  when  the  performance  was  done, 
"Alas !  exclaimed  he,  examining  his  fee, 

"I  add  one  to  one  and  make  one." 


MISTRESS  (to  cook  who  has  fallen  down 
stairs) — I  hope  that  you  did  not  hurt 
yourself,  Mary? 

MAET — Oh,  no,  ma'am;  Oi  overtook 
meself  at  the  bottom. 


ffiun  ffioofe.          137 


We're  all  often  forced  to  rob  Peter 
In  order  to  settle  with  Paul, 

But  some  of  us  merely  rob  Peter 
And  Paul  never  sees  us  at  all. 


SHE — "I  think  this  a  lovely  hat  you 
bought  me,  George,  but  really  it's  a  sin 
to  pay  $50.00  for  it." 

HE — "Well,  the  sin  is  on  your  own 
head,  not  mine." 


Knock,  and  the  world  knocks  with  you; 

Boost,  and  you  boost  alone! 
When  you  roast  good  and  loud 
You  will  find  that  the  crowd 

Has  a  hammer  as  big  as  your  own ! 


"How  did  you  cure  your  boy  of  swear- 
ing?" 

"By  the  laying  on  of  hands,  princi- 
pally." 


"Ma,  what  is  a  Panama  man  called?" 
"A  Panaman,  Johnny." 
"Then  what  is  a  Panama  woman?" 
"If  she's  married  and  obeys  President 
Roosevelt  she's  just  a  plain  Panama." 


138          tEfre  ffun  jgoofe. 

He  who  courts  and  goes  away, 
May  court  again  another  day; 

But  he  who  weds  and  courts  girls  still 
May  go  to  court  against  his  will. 


A  notice  at  a  small  depot  near  Man- 
chester reads: 

"Passengers  are  requested  to  cross  over 
the  railway  by  the  subway." 

This  reminds  us  of  the  oft-quoted  no- 
tice put  up  at  the  ford  of  an  Irish  river: 

"When  this  board  is  under  water  the 
river  is  unpassable." 


Mary  had  a  little  lamb, 

But  she  thought  it  was  immense: 
With  new  green  peas  and  other  things 

It  cost  her  ninety  cents. 


LITTLE  WILLIE — Papa,  why  does  the 
railway  company  have  those  cases  with 
the  ax  and  saw  in  every  car? 

FATHER — I  presume  they  are  put  in  to 
use  in  case  anyone  wants  to  open  a  win- 
dow. 


$un  JBoofe.  139 


The  kerosene  can  on  the  mantel  reposes, 
Its  contents  were  sprinkled  all  over  the 

fire, 
And  all  that  poor  Kathleen  O'Donohue 

knows  is, 

This    dull    world    has    changed  for  a 
sphere  that  is  higher. 


"He  seems  to  have  gone  to  the  bad  com- 
pletely." 

"Yes;  I  believe  he  found  himself  be- 
tween the  devil  and  the  deep  sea,  and  he 
realized  that  he  couldn't  swim." 


As  he  walked  with  baby 

He  had  to  confess 
That  marriage  with  him 

Was  a  howling  success. 

THE  SPINSTER — How  many  lodges  did 
you  say  your  husband  belonged  to? 

THE  WIFE — Fifteen. 

THE  SPINSTER — My  goodness!  just 
think  of  a  man  being  out  fifteen  nights  a 
week!  Well,  I'm  glad  that  I'm  an  old 
maid. 


140         ffifre  ffiun  Pook. 

Seven  little  missionaries — 

Horrible  their  fate — 
Cannibals  picked  clean  their  bones 

Then  they  were  ate. 

JUDGE — You  are  charged  with  pro- 
fanity. 

PRISONER — I  am  not. 

JUDGE — You  are,  sir.  What  do  you 
mean? 

PRISONER — I  was,  but  I  got  rid  of  it. 


"I  hate  a  liar,"  Wiggins  cried, 
Said  Jiggins,  "Then  'twould  seem 

You  really  ought  to  try  and  hide 
Your  lack  of  self-esteem." 


"Kind  lady,"  remarked  the  weary  way- 
farer, "can  you  oblige  me  with  something 
to  eat?" 

"Go  to  the  woodshed  and  take  a  few 
chops,"  replied  the  kind  lady. 


Lady  (after  the  tramp  finishes  eating) 
— Ifs  merely  a  suggestion — the  woodpile 
is  in  the  back  yard. 

Tramp — You  don't  say !  What  a  splen- 
did place  for  a  woodpile! 


fton  Poofe.  141 


Said  she,  "How  beautiful  is  nature!" 
Said  the  young  man,  "Yes,  quite  true  ;" 

Then  added,  as  he  viewed  her  complexion, 
"And  art  is  quite  beautiful,  too." 


"How  to  make  your  trousers  last," 
"Make  your  coat  and  waistcoat  first." 


The  stork  is  a  bird  with  a  great  big  bill; 
He  brings  us  the  babies  whenever  he  will ; 
Then  comes  the  doctor,  and  when  he  is 

through, 
You  find  that  he  has  a  big  bill,  too. 

"Dearest,"  whispered  Cordelia,  after 
she  had  captured  the  coveted  solitaire, 
"I  have  a  confession  to  make.  I  am  a 
cooking  school  graduate." 

Clarence  shuddered. 

"Oh,  well,"  he  rejoined,  after  the  man- 
ner of  one  resigned  to  his  fate,  "we  can 
board." 

If  t-o-u-g-h  spells  tough, 
And  d-o-u-§-h  spells  dough, 

Does  B-n-o-u-g-h  spell  snuff? 
Or,  simply  anew? 


142          TOe  $tm  Poofe. 

THE  WIFE  (savagely) — Don't  let  me 
catch  you  flirting. 

THE  HUSBAND  (meekly) — No,  dear, 
never  again.  That's  the  way  you  did  catch 
me,  you  know!- 


He  called  her  an  angel  before  they  were 

wed, 

But  that,  alas !  didn't  endure. 
For  ere  many  months  had  passed  over  his 

head, 
He  wished  that  she  was  one  for  sure. 


Elderly  Man  (greeting  former  ac- 
quaintance)— "I  remember  your  face  per- 
fectly, miss,  but  your  name  has  escaped 
me." 

The  Young  Woman — "I  don't  wonder 
It  escaped  me  three  years  ago.  I  am  mar- 
ried now." 


"These  verses  make  no  sense,"  said  she; 

"I  can't  tell  what  they  mean." 
"Good!  they'll  make  dollars  then,"  cried 
he, 

"In  any  magazine." 


$un  SBoofe.  143 


THE  BARBER — Did  I  ever  shave  you  be- 
fore? 

THE  VICTIM — Yes,  once. 

THE  BARBER — I  don't  remember  your 
face. 

THE  VICTIM — No;  I  suppose  not.  Ifs 
all  healed  up  now.  S 


They  say  the  baby  looks  like  me, 
A  circumstance  I  dreaded, 

But  the  only  likeness  I  can  see 
Is  that  we're  both  bald-headed. 


"Do  you  think  the  things  one  eats 
a  direct  effect  on  one's  disposition?" 

"Well,  rather.  We  had  Indian  meal1 
pudding  so  often  at  our  house  that  every-1 
body  got  savage." 


"I  once  saw  a  man  at  a  meeting  of  a 
mothers'  club." 

"That's  nothing;  I  once  saw  a  tee- 
totaler on  a  fishing  trip." 


144 


Bluff  a  little,  bluff  a  little 

As  you  go  your  way  ; 
Bluffing  may  not  always  help  you— 

Many  times  it  may. 

Bluff  a  little,  bluff  a  little; 

Men  may  rail  at  you  — 
But  you'll  see  by  watching  closely 

That  they're  bluffing,  too. 


The  butcher  is  a  fair  minded  fellow. 
He  is  always  willing  to  meet  his  customers 
half  weigh. 

A  queen  was  she — the  beautiful  maid — 
Beauty  or  wealth  she  did  not  lack — 

But  the    game  was    eunhre    that  Cupid 

played, 
And  the  Queen  was  won  by  a  Jack. 


"So  you  paid  $1,000  for  a  cook  stove ! 
Don't  you  think  that  was  a  good  deal?" 

"Yes,  but  they  threw  in  a  cook  with  it : 
she  was  warranted  to  stay  two  years!'* 


"Where  are  you  going,  my  pretty  maid  ?" 
"I'm  going  to  cut  the  corn,"  she  said. 

"Can  I  go  with  you,  my  pretty  maid?" 
"You're  no  chiropodist,"  she  said. 


ffioofe.          145 


MEDIUM  —  Do  you  believe  in  spirits? 
BUSYMAN  (off  guard)  —  When  taken  in 
moderation,  yes. 

"You  never  bought  a  gold  brick,  did 
you?"  asked  the  admiring  friend. 

"Not  exactly/'  answered  Mr.  Cumrox. 
"But  I  once  came  mighty  near  having  a 
French  count  for  a  son-in-law." 


The  fate  of  Lof s  wife 
Was  all  her  own  fault; 

She  first  turned  to  "rubber," 
And  then  turned  to  salt. 


I  was  in  the  depot  restaurant  of  one  of 
the  great  railroads,  and  was  asked  why  am 
I  standing  while  drinking  my  coffee.  All 
the  rest  of  us  sit  down. 

I  replied,  solemnly,  that  "I  was  always 
told  to  stand  for  the  weak." 


He  used  to  send  her  roses; 

He  sent  them  every  hour, 
But  now  they're  married  and  he  sends 

Her  home  a  cauliflower. 


146         tEfre  jton  jBoofe. 

JOHN — I  went  into  a  restaurant  to-day. 
The  lemon  pie  that  I  had  was  a  peach. 

TOM — Thaf  s  nothing,  I  went  into  a 
saloon  and  had  no  money,  so  I  let  the 
beer  settle. 

Her  face  was  happy, 

His  face  was  stern; 
Her  hand  was  in  his'n, 

His'n  was  in  her'n. 


JACK — "My  wife's  a  fine  shot.  She  can 
hit  a  dollar  every  time." 

FEED — "That's  nothing-,  my  wife  goes 
through  my  trousers  and  never  misses  a 
dime." 


A  man  wanted  a  ticket  to  New  York, 
and  only  had  a  $2  bill.  It  required  $3  to 
get  the  ticket.  He  took  the  $2  bill  to  a 
pawnshop,  pawned  it  for  $1.50.  On  his 
way  back  to  the  depot  he  met  a  friend,  to 
whom  he  sold  the  pawn  ticket  for  $1.50. 
That  gave  him  $3.  Now,  who's  out  that 
dollar?  

"Is  a  howling  dog  a  sign  of  death?" 
Said  Doolittle  to  Dunn. 

"Of  course  it  is,  if  the  dog  will  wait 
Until  I  get  my  gun." 


jton  ffioofc.          147 


"No,  indeed,"  she  said,  "I  can  never  be 
your  wife.  Why,  I  had  half  a  dozen  of- 
fers before  yours." 

"Huh  I"  rejoined  the  young  man  in  the 
case.  "That's  nothing.  I  proposed  to  at 
least  a  dozen  girls  before  I  met  you." 

There  was  a  young  woman  named  Han- 

nah, 

Who  put  on  a  great  many  airs, 
She  stepped  on  a  peel  of  banana, 

And  now  she's  laid  up  for  repairs. 


"What  sort  of  labor  is  best  paid  in  this 
country?"  asked  the  English  tourist. 

"Field  labor,"  answered  the  native 
American. 

"Is  that  a  fact?"  queried  the  English- 
man, who  was  inclined  to  be  a  bit  skepti- 
cal. 

"Sure,"  replied  the  other.  "You  ought 
to  see  the  salaries  our  baseball  players 
get." 


This  life's  a  game  of  chance,  they  aay: 
The  saw's  more  sad  than  witty, 

The  public  gathers  'round  to  play, 
The  trust  controls  the  "kitty." 


148          3Efre  ffiun  ffioofe. 

6-EORGE — I  can't  understand  why  my 
girl  shook  me. 

HAROLD— What  was  that  you  wrote  to 
her  the  last  time? 

GEOROE — All  that  I  said  was,  "My  Dear 
Susie:  The  dog  I  promised  you  has  just 
died.  Hoping  these  few  lines  will  find 
you  the  same.  Yours,  George." 


Now  comes  the  question  which  will  make 

This  life  a  bitter  cup 

How  many  hoopskirts  will  it  take 

To  fill  a  trolley  car  up  ? 


"Speaking  of  accommodating  hotel 
clerks,"  remarked  a  Portland  com- 
mercial traveller,  "the  best  I  ever  saw  was 
in  a  town  near  Bangor.  Just  before  I  re- 
tired I  heard  a  scampering  under  the  bed 
and  looked  under,  expecting  to  see  a  burg- 
lar. Instead  I  saw  a  couple  of  large  rats 
just  escaping  into  their  hole.  I  dressed 
and  went  down  to  the  office  and  put  in  a 
big  kick.  The  clerk  was  as  serene  as  a 
summer's  breeze. 

"Til  fix  that  all  right,  sir/  he  said. 
'Front !  Take  a  cat  to  23  at  once.' " 


ffitm  goofe.  149 


A  recent  school  examination  in  Eng- 
land elicited  the  following  definitions: 

"Noah's  wife,"  wrote  one  boy,  "was 
called  Joan  of  Arc."  "Water,"  wrote  an- 
other, "is  composed  of  two  gases,  oxygen 
and  cambrigen."  "Lava,"  replied  a  third 
youth,  "is  what  the  barber  puts  on  your 
face."  "A  blizzard,"  insisted  another 
child,  "is  the  inside  of  a  fowl."  —  . 


don't  you  demand  $50,000  in- 
stead of  $5,000?"  said  the  lawyer. 

"Oh,  because,"  explained  the  lady  of 
the  breach  of  promise  suit.  "Then  he 
might  change  his  mind  and  want  to  marry 
me." 


"I'll  admit,"  said  Mrs.  Hylo,  "there  are 
some  things  I  don't  knov.r" 

"That's  no  lie,"  interacted  her  hus- 
band. 

"But,"  continued  the  alleged  better 
half  of  the  combination,  "that  man 
doesn't  live  who  can  tell  me  what  thev 
are." 


150        '  tEfre  jgun  ffioofe. 

"Friend  of  mine  to-day,"  said  Mr.  Kid- 
der,  "was  talking  of  coming  here  to 
board." 

"I  hope,"  remarked  Mrs.  Starvem, 
"yon  were  pleased  to  recommend  our  table 
and" 

"Sure !  Told  him  it  was  just  the  thing 
for  him.  He's  a  pugilist  and  wants  to  in- 
crease his  reach." 


An  English  motorist  is  quoted  as  saying 
that  he  classed  pedestrians  as  the  quick 
and  the  dead:  those  who  got  out  of  the 
way  and  those  who  didn't. 


"Yes,  dear,"  said  the  petted  young  wife, 
examining  her  Christmas  gift,  "these  dia- 
mond earrings  ?rr  pretty,  but  the  stones 
are  awfully  srna.l. ' 

"Of  course,  my  dear,"  replied  the  dip- 
lomat husband,  "but  if  they  were  any 
larger  they'd  be  all  out  of  proportion  to 
the  size  of  your  ears," 


jton  ffoofe.          151 


Two  Irish  farmers  who  had  not  seen 
each  other  for  a  long  time  met  at  a  fair. 
They  had  a  lot  of  things  to  tell  each  other. 
"Shure,  ifs  married  I  am,"  said  Mur- 
phy. "You  don't  tell  me  so,"  said  Mor- 
raii.  "Faix,  yes,"  said  Murphy,  "an*  I've 
got  a  fine  healthy  bhoy  which  the  neigh- 
bors say  is  the  very  picture  of  me."  Mo- 
ran  looked  for  a  moment  at  Murphy,  who 
was  not,  to  say  the  least,  remarkable  for 
his  good  looks,  and  then  said,  "Och,  well, 
whafs  the  harum  so  long  as  the  child's 
healthy?" 


A  bashful  young  couple,  who  were  evi- 
dently very  much  in  love,  entered  a 
crowded  street  car  in  Boston  the  other 
day.  "Do  you  suppose  we  can  squeeze 
in  here?"  he  asked,  looking  doubtfully  at 
her  blushing  face. 

"Don't  you  think,  dear,  we  had  better 
wait  until  we  get  home?"  was  the  low, 
embarrassed  reply. 


152         3Efre  gun  Poofe. 

"When  the  old  man  is  shaking  down 
the  furnace,  carrying  out  the  ashes,  feed- 
ing the  cat  and  six  kittens,  and  making 
the  beds,"  remarked  the  observer  of  events 
and  things,  "of  course  he  is  too  busy  to 
hear  his  daughter  in  the  parlor,  singing: 
"Everybody  Works  but  Father."— 


"I  assured  her  I  could  support  her  in 
the  style  she  was  accustomed  to." 

"Well?" 

"She  said  she  was  looking  for  some- 
thing better  than  that." 


<cDo  you  believe  in  transmigration  of 

souls?" 

"Well,"  answered  the  man  who  never 
admits  that  he  doesn't  know  everything, 
"I  wouldn't  recommend  it  as  a  regular 
practice." 

"After  all,  you  know,"  said  Mr.  Old- 
beau,  "a  man  is  only  as  old  as  he  feels" — 

"Yes,"  said  Miss  Pepprey,  <fbut  some 
old  men  make  the  mistake  of  thinking 
they  are  as  young  as  they  think  they  feel." 


ffun  %oofc.  153 


At  a  West  End  hotel  one  of  the  party 

asked  : 

"Have  you  got  any  celery,  waiter?" 
"No,  sir,"  was  the  significant  answer; 

"I  relies  on  me  tips." 


YEAST — Did  you  ever  try  to  dye  eggs? 

CEIMSONBEAK — No,  I  never  did;    but 

I've  tried  'em    after    they    were  dead. — 


A  dude  from  St.  Louis  named  Crute 
Had  a  habit  of  saying,  "Oh,  shoot!" 

He  said  it  one  day 

To  a  man  in  Ouray, 
And  that  was  the  finish  of  Crate. 


"How  is  your  house  heated  ?" 

"By  hot  air." 

"Hot  air?" 

"Yes  —  the   landlord's."  — 


154          Cfte  ffiun 


"I  want  to  get  a  head  of  cabbage," 
said  the  man  who  had  been  sent  to  mar- 
ket. 

"Large  or  small  head?"  asked  the 
grocer. 

"Oh,  about  7  1-4,"  said  the  man,  ab- 
sent-mindedly. 

"I'll  pass  the  butter/'  said  he,  while 
trying  to  pass  the  browsing  goat. 

"I'll  butt  the  passer,"  said  the  goat, 
as  he  helped  (him  over  the  fence. 


"Yes,  he's  got  a  flying-machine  ready 
for  a  trial  now  and  he's  trying  hard  not 
to  be  proud?" 

"Why  shouldn't  he  be  proud?" 
"Well,  pride  goes  before  a  fall,  you 
know/' 


"He  has  none  of  the  finer  sensibili- 
ties, nothing  to  distinguish  him  from  the 
common  herd." 

"No?" 

"No,  sir.  I've  heard  him  confess,  out 
of  his  own  mouth,  that  all  autoa  smell 
alike  to  him." — Puck. 


"Why  did  you  insist  on  only  $99,000  a 
year  as  your  salary?" 

"Because,"  answered  the  high  financier, 
"as  soon  as  people  hear  a  hundred  thou- 
sand mentioned  they  get  suspicious.  It 
is  better  to  keep  the  figure  marked  down 
a  little." 


Tom  —  I  kissed  her  when  she  wasn't 
looking. 

Clara— What  did  she  do? 

Tom — Kept  her  eyes  closed  the  rest  of 
the  evening. 

Jenks — Why  on  earth  did  you  laugh  so 
heartily  at  that  ancient  jest  of  Borem's? 

Wise — In  self-defense. 

Jenks — in  self-defence  ? 

Wise — Yes;  if  I  hadn't  laughed  so  he 
would  have  repeated  the  thing,  thinking 
I  hadn't  seen  the  point. 


There  is  as  much  strength  in  an  egg 
as  in  a  pound  of  meat. 

Grotabug — I  should  say  so  .  I've  smelt 
eggs  that  had  more  strength  than  a  hun- 
dred pounds  of  beef. 


156          tEfre 


A  sporty  young  fellow  named  Phipps 
Last  night  went  to  view  the  eclipse. 

The  moon  looked  so  queer, 

He  set  up  a  cheer, 
The  truth  was  he'd  been  taking  nips. 

"For  mercy  sake,  don't  put  me  near 
old  Billions!"  said  Mrs.  Lookyoung  to 
her  friend. 

"Why  not?"  said  the  other.  "He's 
awfully  interesting/' 

"I  know  it,"  said  Mrs.  Lookyoung,  "hut 
I  never  eit  next  to  him  at  dinner  but 
that  he  blurts  out  something  like/You 
remember  back  in  the  old  pioneer  days  !'  " 

Mary  had  a  little  waist 

Where  waists  were  meant  to  grow, 
And   everywhere  the  fashions  went 

Her  waist  was  sure  to  go. 


"This  is  an  interesting  clock,  Miss," 
said  the  salesman,  "you  really  should 
have  one,  especially  if  you're  bothered 
with  tiresome  callers." 

"It's  merely  a  cuckoo  clock,  isn't  it?" 
asked  Miss  May  Pechis. 

"Yes,  but  beginning  at  10  P.  M.,  in- 
stead of  saying  'cuck-koo'  every  quarter 
hour  it  yells :  'Go  home !  Go  home !'  " 


j9tm  jgoofr.          157 


Mike  —  Yus,  poor  Sullivan  is  dead.     He 
hadn't  got  an  enemy  in  the  world. 
Pat—  What  did  he  die  of  ? 
Mike  —  Oh  ;  he  wur  killed  in  a  foight.  — 


<fYoM    shouldn't    drink   your   whiskey 
without  water/' 
"Why  not?" 

"You'll  ruin  the  coat  of  your  stomach." 
"Oh,  well — it's  an  old  coat,  anyhow." — 


"Why  do  they  make  those  Oriental 
pipes  with  bowls  as  big  as  water  pitch- 
ers?" asked  the  inquisitive  girl. 

"Those,"  answered  the  wise  woman, 
"are  for  men  who  have  promised  that 
they  will  confine  their  smoking  to  one 
pipe  after  each  meal." — 


The  detective  at  the  boarding  house 
table  having  satisfied  himself  that  nobody 
had  observed  him,  folded  up  his  magnifv- 
ing  glass  and  put  it  back  in  his  pocket. 

"Yes,"  he  said  to  himself,  "they've  got 
the  same  girl  they  had  when  I  was  here 
two  years  ago.  I  recognize  her  thumb 
print  in  the  butter." 


158  tB%e  ffitm  ffioofe. 

"Pa,  what  branches  did  you  take  when 
you  went  to  school?" 

"I  never  went  to  high  school,  son,  but 
when  I  attended  the  little  log  school- 
house  they  used  mostly  hickory  and  beech 
and  willow." — 


"Did  you  ever  consider  the  case  of  the 
boy  who  stood  on  the  burning  deck?" 

"Not  particularly.     Why?" 

"Well,  the  game  was  poker  and  the 
hand  had  been  dealt  from  the  burning 
deck  was  a  corker;  so,  as  he  didn't  want 
to  lose  any  chances,  he — but  you  see?"' 

"I  don't  know  as  I  do." 

"Why,  he  stood  pat." 


The  Governess — What  happened  when 
the  man  killed  the  goose  that  laid  the 
golden  egg,  Margie? 

Little  Margie — Why,  I  guess  his  goose 
was  cooked. 

"Our  new  Congressman  has  made  him- 
self very  popular." 

"What  has  he  done?" 

"Introduced  a  bill  declaring  it  a  penal 
offence  for  a  man  to  ask  for  a  haircut  or 
shampoo  on  Saturday  afternoon." 


159 


"In  my  business,"  said  the  stock  broker. 
"It  is  impossible  to  succeed  without 
pluck." 

"Huh!"  snorted  the  man  who  had 
been  up  against  it,  "you  mean  'plucking,' 
don't  you?" 


Servant — The  plumber  says  this  check 
should  be  $5  more. 

Castleton — But  it's  the  amount  asked 
for. 

"Yes,  sir.  But  you've  kept  him  waitin' 
for  nearly  an  hour." — Life. 


Tom— Whafs  that?  A  two-dollar  bill ! 
You  told  me  this  morning  that  you  were 
broke. 

Jack — Well,  I  want  you  to  understand 
that  Japan  isn't  the  only  one  that  can 
borrow  monay. 


"Yea,  indeed,  he's  the  homeliest  man 
in  public  life  to-day.  Haven't  you  ever 
seen  him?'* 

"~NTo,  but  I've  seen  caricatures  of  him." 
"Oh,   they   flatter   him.     You    should 
see  him." 


160         Cfje  $un  poofe. 


SPECIAL  RULES  FOR  GUESTS. 


1 — Guests  are  requested  not  to  speak  to 
the  dumb  waiter. 


2 — Guests  wishing  to  get  up  without  be- 
ing called  can  have  self-raising  flour 
for  supper. 

3 — The  hotel  is  supported  by  a  beautiful 
cemetery  ;  hearses  to  hire,  25c.  a  day. 

4 — Guests  wishing  to  do  a  little  driving 
will  find  a  hammer  and  nails  in  the 
closet. 

5 — If  the  room  gets  too  warm,  open  the 
window  and  see  the  fire  escape. 

6-— If  you're  fond  of  athletics  and  like 
good  jumping,  lift  the  mattress  and 
see  the  bed  spring. 

7 — If  your  lamp  goes  out,  take  a  feather 
out  of  the  pillow;  that's  light  enough 
for  any  room. 

8 — Any  one  troubled  with  nightmare  will 
find  a  halter  on  the  bed-poet. 

9 — Don't  worry  about  paying  your  bill ; 
the  house  ia  supported  by  the  foun- 
dation. 

J.  WISE,  Prop. 


UC  SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 


A     000757724     o 


